Hold On
by Incandescence
Summary: [COMPLETE] Is it better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all?
1. Hold On

**Title: **Hold On

**Summary: **Is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?

**Rating: **PG-13

**Time Frame: **After graduating college.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own the Ducks, however, I do own Dakota. The names of chapters are from songs, at the end of the story, I shall post a 'soundtrack', if you will with titles and artists. Anyway, please don't sue, I don't have much, all you'll get is my Good Charlotte CD's and a bunch of Silverchair memorabilia.

**Author's Note: **New story that stemmed from the dark recesses of my mind. Nah, just joking. It's a romance one, if it makes you gag, let me know.


	2. Prologue: Underneath It All

_So, what does life mean to me? Isn't this the way you'd start a college application essay? And trust me, this **isn't **an essay, it's my life. It isn't extraordinary or passionate in any way, shape or form. It isn't this glamorous lifestyle of parties and red carpet functions, nor is it a fabricated illusion. Still, I feel compelled to share it with you. This story isn't that interesting, or original. It just started with me._

_There's a boy in my story, but he isn't the most fabulous person who walked the Earth, nor is he someone you could essentially call romantic. He's just a normal, if not slightly boring boy I grew up with. I didn't essentially grow up **with **him, I grew up knowing who he was. And the girl (that's me) isn't an enchanting beauty with legs for days and hair the colour of sunshine, but someone who is just lucky enough to be with the most amazing person in her world. They're just an average girl and a dorky boy who grew up together and fell in love. But like all tragic, and hopeless love stories, this one hasn't really ended yet, it feels like its just beginning. _

_You're probably wondering who the hell I am, and what in the hell I'm talking about, and I suppose now that I've committed to telling you this story, you deserve to know who I am. My name is Dakota Emily Reed. My twin brother, Fulton and I were born in Stillwater, Minnesota on 30 August, 1978. We grew up in very different worlds. I started Ballet when I was six, Fulton started hockey when he was eleven, and we went from there. When we were eight, our family moved to Minneapolis, where we've been to this day. The boy in this story grew up literally down the street from Minneapolis. Which is where my brother and I spent most of our time up until we graduated high school._

_That is until the morning of June 4, 1998. That morning, the boy and I parted ways and went to college, which literally took us to separate ends of the country. And my brother got a scholarship to the University of Minnesota, and from there, he now plays professional hockey for Minnesota Wild, under the direction of Jacques Lemaire. But this isn't about my brother's fabulous booming career, it's about this boy. _

_In the years since that June day, I lived my life like my parents had planned. I went to college (Stanford University, thank you very much), and earned a bachelor and masters degrees in emergency medicine. I did the usual college thing (except join a sorority. Gag me) and lived my life unaware of most things going on around me. Then, I graduated. I was headed back to Minnesota, where funnily enough, the boy was going to be. _

_So now I sit staring at my computer and feel obliged to tell you a story that will take me on a rollercoaster of emotions. Happiness, sadness, anger, depression, pain, heartbreak. So, I shall begin to tell my story with telling you that life is short. Don't waste a minute that could be your last. _


	3. Part One: It Was All Yellow

"I can't believe you're home!"

I hugged my mom for the fortieth time that day and feigned happiness. I'd been home for thirty-six hours, and still, she felt compelled to hug me at every opportunity.

"I can't believe my baby's a doctor!"

"Mom, you're gonna suffocate her."

I smiled gratefully at my brother Fulton as he came into the kitchen and disentangled mom from around me.

"Behave," I told her and she smiled.

I took a deep breath and sighed, happy to be home. I never thought I'd miss Minnesota while away in California, but I did. And I didn't realize just how much I'd missed it until I was back, standing in the same place I stood so many times before.

"Feel good to be back?" Fulton asked, peeling a banana, watching me carefully.

I nodded. "I didn't think it'd feel this good."

He smiled and threw the skin into the trash. "You coming tonight?"

Ah yes, the semi-reunion of the Ducks. Did I mention them? I don't think I did. Anyway, the Ducks are the hockey team Fulton joined when he was a kid, a tight-knit group of people who are essentially best friends. They're my friends too, I guess, but it seems so weird to call them that when I haven't seen them in so long.

The real reason I was worried was because **he'd **be there. Yeah, the boy. And I was so nervous about seeing him again. It's been so long, has anything changed?

"Hello, Earth to Kota."

I frowned and snapped back to where Fulton was waving his hand in front of my face. "What?" I demanded, swatting his hand away.

"You spaced."

I shrugged. "I've got a bit on my mind."

"Would it have to do with a certain boy..."

I blushed and threw an orange at Fulton, which he caught easily. "Don't you have somewhere else to be," I muttered.

He grinned. "Practice doesn't start for a few weeks. So I'm free to hopelessly annoy you."

Great.

"What time do we have to be at Connie's tonight?" I asked him, hoping the change in subject would fend off the teasing tirade Fulton had up his sleeve.

"6:30."

I looked at the clock on the kitchen wall. 3:19. Plenty of time before I had to start panicking, but for some reason, I was already freaking out.

Was I that scared of seeing him again? Yes, I was.

"I'm gonna go unpack some more of my stuff."

I excused myself from the kitchen and climbed the stairs to my room, which was bright and sunny, and perfectly clean, thanks to mom.

I looked around the room and smiled. I loved how it hadn't changed. I loved how mom and dad didn't let Fulton turn it into a sports memorabilia room. I loved how the buttery yellow walls looked freshly painted and I loved how the light blue curtains hung easily at the window.

I took a deep breath and opened the suitcase on my bed and began to pull things from it, all of my keepsakes I'd taken to Stanford four years ago.

I pulled out a framed picture of my family, mom, dad, Fulton and I on our graduation day from Eden Hall.

"That was so long ago..." I mumbled to myself, and I set the frame down on my desk.

Next was a pile of t-shirts that I shoved into my dresser. As I approached my case, my eye caught something and I inhaled.

I reached down and my fingers closed around the smooth, plastic shape of a hockey puck. Now, you all think it's just a hockey puck, what makes it so special? It's special because the boy gave it to me, the puck from the very first game of hockey he **ever **played. And believe me, that's a big deal, because his love of the game is so intense, no one thought he'd ever get rid of his first game puck.

But he did, and he gave it to me.

Before we left for college, he gave me a wrapped up box and told me not to open it until I was on the plane. Attached to it was a long letter that took me forever to read through my tears. And inside the pink box, nestled on soft pink tissue paper was the puck. **His **puck.

I could feel tears building up behind my eyes as I held the puck in my hands, turning it over, feeling it's weight and texture. It was so simple, yet it meant so much.

I placed it on my desk next to a framed photo of me and him. I turned away from it sadly.

The puck meant so much four years ago, did it mean much today?

I continued to unpack, laughing at what I had in my case. Photos of the Ducks, more of my family, my favourite stuffed teddy bear, a photo album, a few CD's, my cell phone charger, my certificate of graduation from Stanford University. I set that to the side. Mom would inevitably want it framed and hung on the 'Reed Hall Of Fame', as she calls it. It's actually just the wall up the stairs, covered in photos of Fulton and I from when we were born, until most recently, our graduation from high school.

I reached the empty bottom of my suitcase and sighed, and proceeded to go through the pockets.

I found letters from Fulton, from a few of the Ducks, some jewellery, nothing monumental.

My life seemed so different since I'd last been back in Minnesota, in my old life. I'd grown up so much in the four years at college, that I didn't feel like the same Dakota Reed. Or Kota, or more often, Dakka, thanks to Fulton. I wasn't an 18-year-old, eagerly anticipating college. I wasn't a ballet dancer anymore, I didn't like the Care Bears, and I no longer preferred Hanson or Backstreet Boys as my favourite bands. I was 25 years old, a qualified emergency room doctor, I did yoga of a morning, and occasionally went jogging. I love watching movies and reading, I love listening to Coldplay, Ben Harper, Sinead O'Connor and Sarah McLachlan.

I didn't seem to fit into my old life anymore.

It was like I changed while everything in Minnesota stayed the same. The house was still the same colour, my dad had the same car, the same job. My mother was still a teacher at Minneapolis Primary School, and Fulton was still playing hockey. My room was exactly how I had it four years ago, even down to the NSYNC poster I had hanging on the back of my door.

I stood up and stowed my suitcase under my bed, and approached my NYSNC poster. I pulled it down and balled it up. I did the same with my old 'Never Been Kissed' movie poster. Down it came and ended up balled on my plush white carpet.

I continued to tear down things from my wall, posters of animals, of Britney Spears, old flyers advertising student unions at Eden Hall, another movie poster with Ben Affleck on it for 'Armageddon'. I pulled everything down until there was nothing left, except for a framed picture of my family and a couple of snapshots from high school.

My walls stared back at me lifelessly, and I kicked at a piece of paper on the floor. I felt good.

In the place of my old posters, I put up a big poster of a dolphin I'd bought back from Stanford. I tacked pictures of my friends from college on my memo board, and I set up some frames on my desk.

I swept up the discarded paper on me floor and shoved them into my bin, closing the lid firmly so it all wouldn't spill back out.

I collapsed onto my bed and looked around and smiled. Things were changing. It wasn't just me anymore.

"What are you doing?"

I looked over at Fulton, who had his head stuck in my door.

"Just redecorating," I answered.

He shrugged. "Whatever. You better start getting ready for Connie's."

I looked at my clock radio, surprised to see that it was 5:00 already.

I jumped up and walked into the adjoining bathroom I shared with Fulton.

I undressed and turned on the faucet, and stepped under the hot water.

I washed all my tensions out of my body and sighed, letting the steam surround me, cleansing me. I washed my hair with my special melon shampoo I got in California, then shaved my legs and armpits and completed with a mango body wash that left me smelling delicious.

I got out and wrapped a big fluffy blue towel around me and rubbed moisturizer on my face, before I slapped some on my legs.

"It smells like a rotting fruit bowl in there," Fulton complained as I breezed out of the bathroom back into my room.

I rolled my eyes and opened my cupboard. "You could use some, maybe you'd stop smelling less...gross?"

He got up and laughed. "Mature, Dakka, real mature."

"Don't call me Dakka."

"Sure thing, Dakka."

He walked into the bathroom. "Look who's being mature," I shot back as the door closed.

I rolled my eyes and flipped through my closet, searching desperately for something to wear. I didn't want something too over the top, nor did I want something too under the top.

My hand settled on my favourite pair of jeans, the ones with the embroidery around the bottom and I smiled.

The jeans, with a white t-shirt with the slogan 'This is a t-shirt' across the front, courtesy from my roommate at Stanford, Anais, who was a fashion major.

I dressed quickly and added jewellery, a red leather choker and some bracelets and did my make up in my full-length mirror. I blow-dried my hair messily and slipped an elastic onto my wrist in case my medium length dark hair became a problem.

Satisfied with my efforts, I slipped boots on and grabbed my faux fur coat and slipped into it, cuddling into the fabric happily. I added my signature scent, J'adore, but Christian Dior and I was good to go.

"Hey pretty girl."

"Hey daddy," I greeted as my dad came into my room. I gave him a hug and he kissed my hair.

"Fulton and I are going to Connie's party," I explained as he let me go. He looked tired.

"That's nice."

I smiled. "I missed you heaps, Dad."

"I missed you too, kitten."

He smiled and left my room, and Fulton replaced him. "Let's go."

I grabbed my purse and followed Fulton down the stairs, out into the twilight.

The ride to Connie's house was short and quiet. Talking to my brother was something that usually ended in him teasing me, so I knew better than to actually initiate a conversation.

As we pulled up to the Moreau household, the sound of the party echoed around the driveway.

I got out of the car and climbed the drive and knocked on the front door.

"Ah! Dakota!" Connie laughed and pulled me into her arms.

"Hey Cons," I greeted, hugging her tightly.

The Ducks, who were convened in the living room shouted their hellos.

"Where's Fulton?" Charlie asked after giving me a hello kiss.

"Right here!" Fulton bellowed, entering the house, closing the front door behind him.

I shrugged off my jacket and grabbed myself a beer. I leant up against the doorframe to the living room and sipped it casually.

"He's not here yet," Connie said softly, coming up to me brandishing a plate of cheese and crackers.

I helped myself to some and nodded. "Is he coming?"

Connie smiled. "Course he is. Just a little late, that's all."

She walked over to Russ, Luis and Goldberg, offering them snacks. I didn't have time to think anymore before the doorbell rang.

I moved into the living room and stood beside the couch, trying to look nonchalant.

"Look who finally shows up!" Charlie crowed and slapped him on the back.

I took a nervous sip of my beer and watched him do the rounds of the room, greeting everyone with a hug or a handshake.

He certainly demands attention, I thought to myself as I watched him.

Charlie placed a beer in his hands and he took a sip gratefully.

He gave Connie a hug and snagged a cracker and moved over to Luis, greeting him with a hearty slap on the back. They laughed at something and Luis gave him a one-armed hug.

I watched as he wandered on from Luis and greeted Fulton with a manly hug. He was skinnier than the last time I'd seen him, and he looked tired, his eyes sallow and his skin pale. But he was still the same boy. Man.

He talked to Fulton for a few minutes before he turned around, and our eyes clicked.

He moved over towards me, his eyes locked on mine, and I felt completely helpless. His gaze held me, captivated me. Ever since the first time I'd looked into his eyes, they'd mesmerized me.

"Hey Dakota," he said softly, bringing me into his arms with a gentle, loving hug.

We let go. "Hey, Adam."


	4. Part Two: If You Leave Before Midnight

I don't know how long I stood there just staring at him, drinking in his appearance, his smell, his confident air.

"How are you?" he asked me softly, taking my elbow and led me to a less noisy part of the room.

I shrugged, my face burning. "I'm ok. How are you?"

He smiled. "I'm good. A little tired."

I don't know why seeing him was so awkward, we're both adults, capable of human interaction, but at that point in time, it's was like all vocabulary and rational thoughts flew out of my head and left me a walking human shell.

"How was college?"

I smiled. "Different. Certainly an experience."

Adam smiled. "I know what you mean."

Did I mention Adam went to Yale? Well, he did.

I looked at him shyly. "I missed you."

He looked surprised. "You did?"

I nodded. "I really did."

"I missed you too."

It was my turn to look surprised. I half-expected him to be married, or at least engaged, and me the furthest thing from his mind.

"Hey! Mr. Avalanche!" Guy called from across the room and Adam turned around.

"I'll catch up with you later, ok?" Adam said softly, touching my forearm lightly.

I nodded and watched him stride across the room to give Guy a hug.

I sank down onto the couch and sipped my beer thoughtfully.

I'd always known Adam. Known who he was, what he did. We only became friends after we all started at Eden Hall, just after he got "upgraded" to Varsity. And after that, he was just there for me. When I got my first A in my physics class, to the time I broke my arm playing street hockey. I don't think I have a single memory since I was twelve that doesn't involve Adam Banks in some way.

We became really good friends in high school, we were always there for each other. I was there for Adam in our sophomore year when his grandfather died, and shortly after that, his grandmother died. I was there when he got his acceptance letter from Yale, and I was there when his parents got divorced. No matter what happened, we where always **there. **

But now, looking at him laughing and talking with Guy, Charlie and Goldberg, he doesn't seem like the same person that used to play Nintendo in my living room when we were thirteen, or the same boy that used to gang up against me and Connie when we were nine. He was this grown-up man, who had this life I hadn't been in for the past four years, and suddenly, he was home. He's playing hockey with Colorado Avalanche, and he graduated from Yale with a degree and masters in business management and fundamental information technology.

I don't know what I expected coming to this party. I don't know if I expected it to be the same, to still be eighteen and love throwing spitballs at each other. Or did I expect for all of us to be completely different? It's both, we're still all good friends, at least, the Ducks are. But in the same light, we've all grown up, but there are a few I would imagine still enjoy throwing spitballs.

A loud burst of laughter exploded from where Adam was, talking with his friends. I watched as he clapped Guy on the back and leant forward in hysterics. I smiled and took a sip of my beer. He was so majestic. So captivating and alluring. Adam was one big adjective.

I got up and made me way out onto the back patio, looking out into the night. I wasn't in the mood to party. I wanted to be alone with my thoughts.

I took a deep breath and looked across the Moreau's backyard and tried to remember it as it was four years ago.

"Want some company?"

A shiver ran up my spine at Adam's voice and I turned around. "I won't say no."

He smiled and leant up against the railing. "Nice night, huh?"

I shrugged. "I woulda thought you'd want to be in there with your adoring public."

He shrugged. "It's not that great. I get it at the games."

"Congratulations. About Avalanche, I mean."

"Thanks," he said softly. "Remember all the times we used to play tackle football out there?" He pointed to the oak tree in the yard.

I nodded. "It was a little more tackle than it was football, if I can remember."

He laughed. "True. But we all had some good times."

"Like the time we accidentally started that fire because Charlie kept insisting that you couldn't make a spark by rubbing two sticks together." I laughed.

Adam nodded, a smile on his face. "We got into so much trouble for that, despite our best efforts to convince Mrs. Moreau it was an accident."

I sighed. "So much has happened..."

"I know," Adam said softly. "A lot has happened."

I waited for him to say more, but he didn't, just sighed and looked over the dark lawn.

I didn't know what to say. It had been so long, and were we completely different people now.

"It's weird, isn't it?"

I laughed nervously. "I thought I was the only one thinking that."

Adam turned to me. "This really isn't the place to talk...can we get together sometime?"

My heart sped up and I looked into those familiar blue eyes and saw what I'd always seen when I looked at Adam. Truth. Love. Happiness. Mystery. I was drawn to those eyes like a moth to the light.

"Yes," I breathed. "I'd love that."

"Can I call you?"

I nodded, not trusting my voice.

He leaned down and kissed my cheek, and then disappeared back inside.

I sighed and leant against the railing, trying to calm my thumping heart. How could he still do this to me after four years? How does he make me feel like that?

I watched the Ducks through the window, talking and laughing, like the past four years had only been an instant.

I envied them.

I lay in bed that night, tossing and turning, my head full of thoughts I couldn't decipher.

I pulled my worn patchwork quilt up around my chin and sighed.

How did I feel?

Confused.

Seeing Adam...it was like a slap in the face, sorta. Like waking up from a dream and seeing the person you dreamt about sitting on the edge of your bed.

I didn't get another chance to talk to him, after our little conversation on the patio, but I watched him practically all night. I watched Charlie try to get him drunk, and I watched Julie drunkenly hit on him all night. I swear, she's had the biggest crush on him since they were twelve.

I watched him and Russ carry Dwayne out to a taxicab, and I watched when he was having an all out cheese war with Goldberg and Averman. He didn't win, but it was fun to watch. And then I watched him have a seemingly in deep conversation with Fulton.

I bugged Fulton the whole way home about it, but he wouldn't budge, he just said it had to do with Adam's family and how he didn't want to stay at his Dad's place.

But that was it, that's all he'd tell me, so I can't sleep.

I rolled over and kicked my leg out from under the covers.

A high-pitched ringing startled me.

My cell phone.

I tumbled out of bed and grabbed it from my bag, answering it breathlessly.

"Hello?"

"Hey...I didn't wake you did I?"

I nearly dropped the phone as Adam's voice hit my ear.

"Uh, no. I couldn't sleep."

"And why is that?"

I shrugged and settled back down on my bed, flicking on my lamp. "Thinking."

"About?"

I smiled. "Lot's of things."

"Like?" he prompted.

I laughed. "Like world peace, and starving children, and how I'm going to take over the world."

Adam laughed. "Me too!"

"I'm just thinking about life," I admitted. "Seeing everyone again was a bit of a trip...and the fact I graduated college in one piece..."

"Tell me about it," Adam agreed. "I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and be a freshmen at Yale and have to do it all again."

I picked at a thread on my blanket. "I was thinking about you, too."

Dear God why did I say that?

"Oh?" There was an element of surprise to Adam's voice. "What were you thinking?"

"Just how good it was to see you again," I said softly.

"It was good to see you too."

It was weird, I was more nervous about talking to him on the phone than face to face.

"It was weird going off to Yale, not having you by my side. I'd become so used to having you there when I needed you...college was a culture shock."

I smiled in my dark room. "Tell me about it. It was like I was being punished."

"And now you're a doctor..."

There was a heavy silence that hung between us, and it made me nervous.

"Why is this so weird?" I asked.

On the other end, Adam sighed. "Because of all our history."

I nodded. "Our history..."

Adam sighed. "Do you remember all the times we spent together?"

"Of course," I told him. "Of course I remember, how could I forget?"

Something sounded on his end of the line. "All the times we spent at your house? All those times I climbed up the drainpipe to your window?"

I laughed. "I remember. It'd take you forever, but you'd get there."

Something hit my window and I jumped.

"What?" Adam demanded on the other end.

"Something's at my window."

I got up and approached the glass cautiously. I pulled the curtains open to see Adam's smiling face on the other side.

"Surprise."

I laughed and opened the window, and he threw his body in. I saw that his skin had a clammy quality to it.

"Are you stalking me?" I accused, hanging up my phone.

Adam smiled shyly. "Maybe. Why, do you want me to be stalking you?"

I crossed my arms over my pyjama t-shirt. "I'll have to think about that."

He grinned at me and shoved his cell phone into his pocket. "I hope you don't mind me showing up...things are unbearable at my Dad's house..."

"Why? What's up?"

Adam shrugged and moved across my room, his fingers running over my furniture. "Wow."

I went over to see what he'd found. The puck.

"You kept it? After all these years?"

"Yeah. I did." I looked away shyly as Adam stared at me, the puck in his hands.

"God, I swore you'd take one look at it and chuck it out." He put it back on my desk.

"I never could've done that."

"I probably shouldn't have come here tonight."

"Why?" I asked, sitting down on my bed, leaning back against the headboard.

He shrugged. "Because this is weird for you."

"It's weird for you too," I pointed out.

He sat down on my couch. "I just wanted to see you."

"You did?"

"Yeah." He ran a hand through his hair. "Dr. Reed..."

I smiled. "Don't remind me."

"Have you worked in a hospital yet?"

I nodded. "I did work experience for a year in California, and I start at Minnesota General on Monday."

"That's really good...I'm happy for you."

I smiled. "Remember when I had to do that really hard anatomy exam in senior year at Eden Hall? You stayed up all night and helped me study."

Adam smiled. "I would've done anything for you," he said and got up and sat down next to me on my bed. "I should go."

I covered his hand with mine. "Probably."

He leaned over and kissed my cheek. "We'll have lunch or something, ok?"

I nodded. "Bye..."

I watched him get up and climb out my window and down the drainpipe.

And then he was gone.

Just like that.


	5. Part Three: If You're Not The One

What's so special about Adam Banks? That's what you wanna know. What's so special about this guy that surpasses earth, wind, fire and air? It's like in every love story ever written, there's always something about him.

I'm not sharing my story for riches or royalties, nor am I doing it because I want to be 'famous', I just want to share something that has touched my life so much with other people.

The fact that Adam is just so normal makes him even more special.

That's what I kept remembering as I got ready for my first shift at Minnesota General Hospital.

Until I walked through the doors of the ER, Adam was all I thought about. I thought about our encounter the night of Connie's party, with him crawling in my window, I thought about everything that centered on him.

"You Reed?"

I looked up, snapped out of my reverie as I walked into the ER.

"That's me," I answered, hiking my bag up.

The guy standing in front of me hauled a lab coat my way. "Welcome to the ER."

I stopped before telling the doctor that I'd already been in an ER before, that I knew how it worked.

"You can dump your belongings in the designated locker in here," he said, pushing open a swinging door to reveal a very dismal break room. "And you sign in over there, pick up your charts and all that. Any questions."

I came to a stop beside him in the nurse's station. "Yeah, your name?"

He regarded me with attitude. "I'm Dr. Hunter Marks, head of the ER."

I nodded and gave a curt smile. "Nice to meet you," I said. "I'm Dakota Reed."

Dr Marks barely acknowledged me, just grabbed a pile of charts and hurried off.

"He's always like that," A plump black woman told me from behind the counter. "Got a stick shoved up his ass."

I laughed. "I'm Dakota."

She put her hand out. "Naomi," she returned. "And this is Dr. Wheeler, Dr. Taylor and Dr. Grayson." She pointed to two women and a man in a lab coat.

"Nice to meet you," I said, slipping my arms into my lab coat, affixing the ID badge Naomi thrust at me on the lapel.

"A newbie, huh?"

I looked around at the familiar voice and grinned at Averman. "You didn't tell me you're an ER doctor!"

He snorted and emptied the cart full of charts onto the countertop. "Hardly. I'm an intern, taking those two years off between high school and college set me back, I'm afraid."

I smiled. Who woulda thought, Averman, practicing to become a doctor?

"Good luck," he called as he pushed his cart away.

I waved and turned back around and accepted four charts Dr. Wheeler pushed my way.

This was gonna be one long day.

"Evening, Dr Reed."

I flopped down on my bed and looked at Fulton, who stood at the bathroom door, watching me with amusement.

"What's the matter, playing doctors not what you thought?"

I gave him the finger and closed my eyes, which elicited a chuckle from Fulton, and he plopped down on my bed, easing my rubber-soled shoes off my feet.

"What do you want?" I murmured, opening one eye.

"What are you talking about?" Fulton demanded, peeling off my socks and throwing them in a corner.

"You're being...nice. Are you smoking crack?"

Fulton grinned. "Occasionally, but not at the moment," he joked. "You look like you had a hard day, that's all."

I sat up. "Thanks."

He shrugged. "No problem. Now tell me about it, any severed limbs? Eye balls hanging out, gangrene?"

I frowned. "You're gruesome."

He poked my side.

"Nothing extreme, Fulton. A few sutures, a couple of retrievals...nothing explosive."

"There's gotta be **something**!"

I rolled my eyes. "Ok. One guy got his hand chewed by his disposal unit, that was pretty nasty."

Fulton's eyes opened wide. "Cool..." he breathed.

I threw a pillow at him. "You're disgusting."

He got up and fetched the pillow, hoisting it back at me. "Yes I am."

He disappeared back into the bathroom and pulled the door closed softly.

I sighed and lay back on my bed, my eyes closing nearly instantly.

"_Hey! Wait for me!"_

_I kept running, avoiding the voice. I didn't want to see the person who the voice belonged to. Not after pouring out my heart and soul._

"_Dakota! Wait! Please!"  
_

_I could feel a stitch burning up my right side and I clutched it painfully, slowly coming to a stop and sinking to the grass outside Eden Hall. _

"_Damn!" Adam puffed and dropped beside me. "You put up one hell of a fight..."_

_I buried my face in my hands. "You hate me," I mumbled through them. _

_Adam laughed and took my arm. "Why would I hate you?"  
_

_I peeked at him between my fingers. "Because of what I said."_

_He laughed again and leant me into his arms, and he hugged me. "I could never hate you, Dee."_

_I let my hands fall from my face and I looked up at him shyly. "You couldn't?"  
_

_He shook his head. "It's categorically impossible."_

_I smiled and let him pull me in for another hug, and his lips grazed my forehead. _

"_And anyway, how do you hate someone after they tell you they're in love with you?"_

I sat up and opened my eyes, squinting in the dark room. I took a deep breath and rubbed my eyes, and focused on my alarm clock. 8:00pm.

I yawned and pushed hair out of my face, and I got up and stretched.

I pulled off my crinkled black pants and my white blouse and stuff them in the hamper. I pulled on the nearest articles that didn't smell.

"Nice outfit."

I gave Fulton the finger as I stepped out into the brightly lit hall, rubbing my eyes.

"No, seriously," Fulton said. "New trend. I'd call it...The Reject."

I glared at him and padded down the stairs. The house was silent.

"Where are mom and dad?" I called up the stairs to Fulton.

"They went to see Casey."

I moved into the kitchen and flicked the light on.

"Crap!"

My eyes flew open and I was face to face with Adam. "What the hell are you doing?" I demanded.

He looked positively horrified. "Just getting a soda." He held up the can of Dr. Pepper.

"No, what are you doing in my house?"

"Hanging out with Fulton," Adam answered. I watched his eyes trail over my body.

I finally looked down at my hastily thrown together masterpiece and was horrified to see my red sweater, what I thought was just a tight skirt, adorning my thighs. And as if my luck couldn't get any worse, I was wearing my very old, very worn, practically see-through Hanson t-shirt from 7 years ago.

"I just woke up," I explained lamely and tried to tuck the long red sleeve of my sweater into the top of my "skirt."

"I like it," Adam said softly, not meeting my eyes.

"Liar," I accused, smiling at him. "Get out of here."

He moved past me. "I guess Hanson aren't so bad after all..."

I blushed and crossed my arms and he moved back upstairs.

I lay my head down on the counter, resisting the urge to bash it against the Formica.

"I hear you're giving my friends a peep show."

I glared at Fulton. "How could you let me come down here looking like a Britney Spears video hopeful!" I hissed accusingly.

He grinned and took a swig of apple juice from the carton. "Too priceless."

I punched him square on the arm. "You're an ass."

I turned from the room and climbed the stairs, locking myself in my room.

"Can you see a suture in curtain three?"

I accepted the chart Dr. Taylor gave me and made my way across the seemingly quiet ER and pushed back the curtain.

"Let me guess, you lit a cherry bomb and forgot to throw it?" I demanded of Goldberg, who sat on the bed, accompanied by his sister Vanessa.

"Ha ha," he said sarcastically. "Any way, I wouldn't be making jokes, Dee. I got plenty on you."

I sat down on my stool and cleaned the long cut on the inside of Goldberg's right palm.

"Oh is that right?" I asked, laying a plastic sheet across his arm before grabbing a suture kit. I desensitized the area with a local.

To my horror, Goldberg began humming 'MMMBop'. I poked his wound gently with a pair of tweezers.

"Ouch! That hurt!"

I smiled sweetly. "Oh, sorry honey. Better keep your mouth shut then."

Goldberg rolled his eyes. "Everyone knows."

I set down my tweezers. "How can everyone know?" I demanded. "It only happened last night!"

"What happened?" Vanessa demanded.

"Nothing," I said, giving Goldberg a look as I began my work on his cut.

"Reed, you got a call," Joy, a nurse said, popping her head behind the curtain.

"Thanks, can you take this?" I asked her, setting the needle down and peeled off my gloves.

She nodded and I left, giving Goldberg a smile as I marched over to the phone.

"Dr. Reed speaking," I said into the receiver, pushing stray strands of hair out of my face.

"Hello Dr. Reed speaking."

"Fulton, what are you doing calling me here?" I demanded.

"I wanted to let you know that Adam, Charlie and Portman are spending the night at our house tonight. So you can get your outfit ready."

"Pig," I hissed into the phone and slammed it down so hard Naomi looked up.

"Boyfriend troubles?" she asked, peering at me over her half-glasses.

"Worse," I told her. "Twin brother troubles."

She laughed and I walked away, snatching up a chart.

Fulton was gonna get it.

"What, no sleep inspired outfit?" Charlie teased as he, Portman and Adam came through the front door.

I flipped Charlie off (I seemed to do that a lot) and continued on to the kitchen, my face flaming as I passed Adam.

After a horribly long day at the hospital, and after a particularly gruesome burn victim, I wanted to get into the tub and soak a few hours away.

I pulled open the fridge and pulled out cucumber and cut myself some slices. I grabbed a bottle of water and weaved my way back into the living room and up the stairs.

"I'll be in the tub," I called, not waiting for an answer as I locked myself in Fulton's and my adjoining bathroom and turned on the faucet, letting the tub fill up.

I lowered myself into the hot water slowly, finding a comfortable position before lying back and putting the cucumber slices over my eyelids.

_I got out of the elevator in Langley Hall, Adam's dorm at Eden Hall and moved through the hallway, my eyes on the red carpet. _

_I took a deep breath and forged on, making sure I didn't run into anything. _

_I stopped outside of his dorm room he shared with Charlie and raised my hand to knock. I swallowed and exhaled. _

"_Hello?" I called softly, knocking on the door. _

"_Come in," Adam called from the other side of the door. _

_It took all my courage, acquired over the eighteen years I'd been alive, to open the door and enter the room. _

_I pushed the door open and inhaled deeply as the scent of roses filled my nostrils. _

_My eyes opened wider as the room was exposed to me, bathed in candlelight, and vases full of roses. _

"_One hundred red roses," Adam said softly. _

_I looked over to wear he stood by the closed bathroom door. "Why a hundred?" I asked, burying my nose in a bunch by the door. _

"_I wanted you to see that I love you more than a hundre red roses. I didn't want to just tell you."_

_I smiled. This was how perfection was described in every romance novel. It was candles and roses, and a man who was the most exquisite creature on Earth. It was about love and desire, and happiness and longing. My life was reading like a romance novel. _

"_You did all this for me?" I asked Adam softly, my eyes drinking in the room. The beds had been pushed against the walls which left a substantial space in the middle of the room, which was scattered with rose petals. _

"_You're worth this and more," Adam said softly, moving towards me hesitantly. He took me in his arms and leant his forehead against mine. "I love you."_

_I breathed a sigh and smiled. "I love you too..."_

_He let me go momentarily to turn on his CD player, and soft, classical music filled the air. _

"_Dance with me," he said softly, holding his hand out. _

_I took it. _

My eyes fluttered open and I shivered.

My bath water was long cold, but my face was flushed with heat.

My dream was more than a dream, it was a segment of my life. It was the night Adam and I first made love.

I sat up and let the water out and stepped out of the tub, wrapping a fluffy yellow towel around my body.

I knocked warily on the door to Fulton's room and opened it a crack. "Can you keep it down in there please, I'm going to bed."

"Sure," Fulton said and I closed the door, moving through to my room where I dressed in my pyjama shorts and a t-shirt.

I slid between my cool cotton sheets and settled in, my mind and body exhausted.


	6. Part Four: Even Cold November Rain

I never knew that my story would be so hard to write. There's so much to say, but I'm having trouble even saying it.

He's different. No doubt about that. But there are little things. He doesn't like to talk about college much, or about Avalanche. He doesn't like to talk about the 4 years he'd been away from Minnesota.

Do I tell you that I still love him, despite how long we've been apart? Do I tell you that when I see him he makes my world so much better by just being there? Or should I say that I want to be with him again?

Or I could say that I'm over him. That I have been for four years. That I don't want to be with him again, that I've moved on.

But I'd be lying.

"Ok, I've donated the past hour to helping you go through this incredibly boring book, the least you could do is pay attention."

I looked up at Fulton, who scowled at me from the other end of the couch we shared in the living room. "Sorry," I said softly.

He lifted the big Physicians Desktop Reference and placed it in my lap. "Just concentrate."

I sighed and flipped the book open. "Ok..." I tried to focus on the words, but they blurred before my eyes. "I can't do this."

"Why not?" Fulton demanded.

I looked up at him. "I feel like crap."

He frowned. "What's wrong?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I keep thinking..."

"About...?"

"Adam."

I don't know if it's because of the type of person Fulton is, but I expected him to laugh. Instead, he leant forward and pulled me into a short, but meaningful hug.

"What was that for?" I asked him.

He smiled. "You're my sister and I love you." He paused. "And I'm not on drugs, I don't have a fever and I haven't taken too many hockey pucks to the head. I just care, ok?"

I smiled. "Thanks."

He grinned. "I mean, I am your older brother."

"By 3 and a half minutes!" I told him.

"What about Adam anyway?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. Seeing him again after so long...still having feelings for him...it's weird."

"I knew you still had something for him," Fulton admitted. "Call it twin intuition."

I felt tears build behind my eyes. "I feel stupid. Nothing's happened, but still...I just miss him, I guess. I miss being loved like that."

"How do you know that you're not loved like that anymore?"

"Trust me, I know."

Fulton rolled his eyes. "You're just feeling sorry for yourself. Maybe there's something about Adam you don't know."

I shrugged. "I probably am. I don't even know why I'm acting like this. It's not like we mean anything to each other anymore."

"Whatever. You're only each other's first love." He shut the PDR and got up. "Think about it Dee."

I tossed and turned, Fulton's words filling my head. 'Maybe there's something about Adam you don't know...'

I couldn't sleep.

But suddenly, my beeper sounded and I scrambled across my room to grab it.

I dialed the hospital and waited.

"Emergency Room."

"Hey Naomi," I greeted. "What's up?"

"Hey Scout," Naomi responded. "We need you in here. Taylor and Wheeler had to call Marks in and the whole place is exploding with sick people and those who have been in accidents."

I sighed. "Ok, give me 20."

I hung up the phone and pulled a pair of green scrubs from my closet that I'd acquired from the hospital and pulled them on. Adding to it my ID badge and I pulled my hair back into a messy bun.

"Hey Scout," Naomi greeted from where she was haphazardly flitting around the waiting room.

"Where do I start?" I asked her.

"Curtain 4. Stab victim. We cut off the blood flow, but now she's got sudden chest pains. We dropped her sats but Dr. Marks wants scan her for a pulmonary embolism."

I nodded and headed for the curtain. I pulled it back and greeted the young woman with a smile. She smiled back weakly.

I checked her fluids and started a drip of bolus 5000 heparin at 1000 an hour.

"You're gonna be fine," I assured her, checking over her chart and signing off at the bottom.

"Thank you," she said softly.

"Next!" I called to Naomi who placed a chart in my hands.

I read it over and frowned. A young Hodgkin's disease sufferer was bought in after he collapsed while playing football with his friends.

I made my way down the hall.

"Reed!"

I turned around to see Dr. Marks striding towards me. "Have you seen that stab victim?"

I nodded. "I started a drip of bolus 5000 heparin at 1000 an hour."

He didn't say anything and hurried away.

I kept down the hall, stopping out front of room 3. I knocked and pushed the door open.

"Hello, I'm Dr. Reed."

I closed the chart and set it down on the table and looked up.

And gasped.

"Fulton? What are you doing? You know you're not allowed to walk into anyone's room."

Fulton got up. "Wait Dakota," he said as I reached up to pull open the curtain to reveal my patient.

"I don't have time," I replied irritably. "You can't be here."

He took my hands in his. "Get another doctor. **You **can't be here."

I frowned. "What's going on, Fulton? Is this your idea of a joke? Is Charlie and Portman behind there, waiting to scare me?" I wriggled out of his grasp and pulled the curtain back, and felt my knees give out.

Fulton caught me. "I didn't want you to see that."

My breath left my lungs as I sagged against him. "Adam..." I whispered.

The lifeless form on the bed wasn't Adam. It couldn't be.

"He didn't want anyone to know..."

I swallowed. "What happened to him?"

"He has cancer, Dee."

I stood up and pulled myself away from Fulton. "That's not funny," I accused. "This is all some kind of joke." I strode over to the bed and shook Adam's cold, frail shoulder. "Get up! Joke's over."

"Dakota..."

"No." I silenced Fulton and turned around. "This can't be happening."

"It is. He was diagnosed 2 years ago."

"He can't have cancer," I objected. "He's so young, he can't be sick..."

Fulton moved toward me and took me in his arms. "I'm so sorry."

I wiped at my dry face. I couldn't cry.

"What happened?" I choked out, avoiding Adam lying on the bed so helpless.

"We were throwing the football in the park and he just...collapsed."

I picked up his chart and flipped through it, noticing he was on 250 of ceftriaxone I.M., a gram of zithromax P.O. and 550 of Anaprox.

"Two years? Why didn't he tell me?"

"He didn't want anyone to know. He wanted to deal with it on his own..."

"I don't understand," I said, sinking into a chair. "He was fine the other day. He's playing professional hockey..."

"That's because the other day he **was **fine. But today, he's not..."

"I can't believe it," I muttered. "This has to be a bad dream, I have to wake up..." I turned to Fulton. "How long have you known about this?"

"Since he got back from Yale."

Tears built up behind my eyes and I leant forward, tucking my head between my knees. "No, nonononononono."

I began to sob, my whole body shaking. The tears fell freely, staining the legs of my scrubs.

"I love him so much," I cried. "I love him...I need him...he can't die Fulton! He can't!"

Fulton knelt down and bought me into his arms, rubbing my back soothingly. "Shh, it's gonna be ok," he told me. "You've gotta be strong for Adam."

I shook my head and looked up. "How am I supposed to be strong when half of me is dying?"

Fulton didn't have a chance to reply before the Ducks burst in, accompanied by Adam's parents.

"Is he ok?" Connie demanded, her face white and her hands shaking.

I hugged her. "Cancer," I said softly into her hair.

She let out a sob. "Oh God..."

Everyone stood around in silence, watching Adam lying lifeless on the gurney.

"This is inconceivable," Averman muttered softly. "This can't be happening."

Connie began to cry and Charlie pulled her to him, his own face stained with tears.

I wiped my eyes and stood up, grabbing Adam's chart once again, and turned to face Phillip and Melanie Banks.

"According to his chart, Adam's Hodgkin's has accelerated, which means the number of immature, abnormal white blood cells in the lymphatic tissue is deteriorating at a much higher rate than when he was diagnosed."

Even as I read the printed information, I couldn't believe it. The man I loved was dying.

"His cancer is in what we call 'stage three', and that means that the lymphatic tissue has been broken down in more than one organ, and in Adam's case, the spleen and his left lung." I took a deep breath and looked at Adam's parents. "He'll need to be admitted and tested to see how far along the disease has progressed."

Fulton grabbed my hand and squeezed.

"He's on medicine that will thin his blood and that will keep him comfortable, but there are many tests he'll have to go through in determining the severity."

Melanie Banks swallowed and leaned against Mr. Banks, and her ex-husband held her tightly and stroked her hair.

"Why Adam?" Phillip muttered. "He was doing so well..." He led his wife out of the room.

"Someone tell me this isn't real," Charlie demanded softly from where he stood holding Connie. "Someone tell me Banks is gonna wake up and yell 'gotcha'."

I sank into Fulton's embrace as the tears kept rolling down my face. I couldn't be a doctor for Adam. I couldn't grieve and be logical at the same time.

"How bad is this?" Goldberg asked me softly.

I took in a shaky breath. "Looking at his paperwork..." I began. "It's bad."

"How bad?" Connie asked. "Like...death bad?"

"Possibly."

"Oh God," she choked out. "Oh my God..."

I looked around the cramped hospital room, at the worried faces and the tears. At the people who were Adam's closest and greatest friends. At the people who've known him for most of his life. At the people who were going to lose a friend to cancer.


	7. Part Five: Goodbye To You

"What are you doing here?"

I lifted my head up off Adam's bed and looked at him.

Almost immediately, my bottom lip began to quiver and the tears built up.

"I gather by that you know what's going on."

"I'm a doctor. I got given your chart. I found out whether I wanted to or not."

He swallowed and blinked slowly. "I'm sorry Dakota."

I sat up and shrugged. "So am I."

His pasty white skin glowed under the fluorescent lights of the hospital. "I never wanted to hurt you."

I stood up and tried to smooth out my wrinkled scrubs. "You did. Because I fell in love with you again, and then I found out you were...."

"Dying," Adam answered. "Then you found out I'm dying."

"I'm so sorry..."

He smiled weakly. "Don't be. You didn't make me sick."

I looked away from his pale face and stifled a sob that was quickly rising. "Why didn't you tell me?" I uttered softly.

His cold hand grabbed mine. "Because I fell in love with you again too."

I looked back at him and a lone tear fell down my cheek. "I want to hate you for being sick."

"You can," Adam told me. "If you need to hate me, hate me."

"I could never hate you," I said sadly.

"How long have you been here?" Adam asked, shifting slightly in his hospital bed.

"All night," I answered. "I couldn't leave. But your parents and the Ducks went home, but told me to ring when you were awake."

"I don't want to see anyone right now."

He turned his head to the window where the sun was streaming through, a perfect Minnesota day.

It was so ironic. That so much sadness and grief was going on behind the walls of Minnesota General Hospital, yet outside, it was a day best spent at the local park, throwing a Frisbee or playing volleyball.

I hated the sun. I hated how it shined happily through the dull blinds, filling the small room with golden light. I hated how it taunted us so effortlessly; teasing us because of the day we were missing.

I looked at Adam, who had his turned away from me, his eye's closed. He was sleeping again already.

I sat up and pushed my hands through my messy hair. I got up and moved into Adam's private bathroom and splashed water on my face, and tried to wake myself up.

It just didn't feel worth it if my best half was dying.

I walked out of the bathroom and stood back from the bed, my eyes roaming the foreign form.

That couldn't be Adam.

The Adam that was full of life just a few weeks ago at a party. The Adam that had the bluest eyes and the tannest skin. The Adam who was full of energy and didn't believe in hugging someone unless he hugged with his whole body.

The Adam on the hospital bed, sleeping deeply was not my Adam.

I leant against the wall for support as my vision began to blur. The last time the two of us were in a hospital was when I had my tonsils out in our Sophomore year at Eden Hall.

After I can down with a particularly nasty cough, my doctor told me I'd have to have my tonsils out.

"_How do you feel?"_

_I shrugged. "Like crap."_

_Adam smiled and sat down in the chair beside my hospital bed. "You look good, if that's any consolation."  
_

_I smiled. "Thanks. But you're a shitty liar."_

_He took my hand. "I'm glad you're ok."_

"_What do you mean? It was a tonsillectomy."_

_Adam shrugged. "I know. But I hate hospitals. They're horrible. They represent the one thing I'm afraid of."_

"_Dying." I squeezed his hand. "I'm not dying. You're not dying. We're both fine."_

_He bought my hand to his lips and kissed it softly. "Thankfully. I don't know what would happen if one of us ever left."_

I sank to the linoleum floor and cried, my tears staining my scrubs. But I didn't care, I just sobbed. Sobbed for Adam, and for me. For his parents and for the millions of people who would never know him.

"Dee?"

I looked up and wiped my face.

"You ok?" Fulton asked, coming into the room, sitting down beside me.

"No, I'm not."

He handed me a bag. "I thought you might like some clothes and a shower."

I opened the bag. Inside was a fresh set of clothes and my toiletries. "Thanks."

"I talked to your boss, Dr. Marks. I told him what was going on, and he told me to tell you to take your time."

I leaned over on Fulton and rested my head against his shoulder. "How am I supposed to let him go?"

Fulton smoothed my hair back. "You're not supposed to," he said. "When you love someone as much as you love him, you're never supposed to just let them go."

"I can't do this."

"Yes you can."

I lifted my head. "I need to clear my head. I'm gonna go get freshened up."

Fulton nodded and helped me up, and I gratefully took his hand.

"Take your time."

I nodded and left the room, carrying the bag in front of my like a shield.

"Hey Scout," Naomi said softly as I reached the front desk.

I gave her a watery smile and continued on into the locker rooms where I took a shower and washed my hair, trying to wash away the last days' events.

I got dressed in the old jeans and pink sweater Fulton bought and did my hair.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't even look like myself anymore. I had dark circles under my eyes, which were puffy and red from crying. My lips were drawn and there was little to no colour in my cheeks.

"Reed."

I turned around and looked at Dr. Marks. "Hello sir," I greeted softly. "I just wanted to thank you for your understanding."

"Boyfriend?"

"I beg your pardon?"  
  
Dr. Marks slipped off his lab coat. "Is the young man your boyfriend?"

"Sort of," I answered.

Dr. Marks nodded. "I want you to take your time."

"Why, sir? I mean, why are you so willing to give me time off?"

He sighed and sat down at the lunch table. "15 years ago, when I first started here, my wife was in a car accident. She lived for 6 days and then on the 7th day, her liver failed. Her kidney's failed, and then her lungs. Until finally, her heart failed."

"I'm so sorry."

"It was uh, during one of my shifts that she passed. My superior at the time urged me to continue working. I never grieved for her properly. I watched my wife die, and then I had to see a patient."

I took a deep breath. "I'm so sorry."

Dr. Marks stood up. "Just be with him, Reed. That's where you need to be. I can always get a replacement for you. There's no replacement for the man you love."

Tears sprang to my eyes as Dr. Marks excused himself and walked into the male restroom, and I made my way back out into the stark hallway full of sick and injured people and doctors running around in lab coats.

I made my way back slowly down the hall to Adam's room. My feet dragged, my heart so heavy, it felt like a weight on my feet, pulling me down.

"Yeah, you know my cousin Henry that you met last summer when you came home from Yale...yeah, he wants to join Circe D'Soleil...he's convinced he can swallow his own leg."

I heard a soft chuckle follow Fulton's recount of our cousin Henry's aspirations to be in the circus.

I waited by the dorm to Adam's room.

"Where's Dakota?" Adam whispered.

"She just went to get changed. I bought her fresh clothes."

"Hey," I said softly, coming back into the room again, my breath stuck in my throat.

"Hi," Adam said, his sallow mouth curving into a smile.

Fulton got up out of the chair next to Adam's bed. "I'm going for food, anyone want?"

"A cheeseburger?" I asked him, my stomach rumbling in agreement, reminding me that I hadn't eaten in nearly a day.

Fulton nodded and excused himself, and I took his place in the orange vinyl chair.

"Hi," Adam said softly.

"Hi." I took his hand, careful not to bump any tubes or cords. "How do you feel?"

He shrugged. "I'm on some good pain medication, so not too bad."

I smiled. "Morphine. And ceftriaxone."

He coughed. "I keep forgetting you're a doctor."

I smiled. "I'm here to look after you."

"You can't do much for me."

I sighed. "Don't say that. Please."

He nodded. "Ok, I won't."

We sat in silence, looking at each other.

I'm not sure what Adam was thinking, but I know I was cursing God, demanding to know why he'd want to make someone as alluring as Adam sick. I wanted to know why God felt that this extraordinary human being didn't deserve to live to have kids. Or be married. Or walk his daughter down the aisle.

"What are you thinking?"

I looked over at Adam. "Why this is happening to you."

Adam nodded slowly. "Why do you think?"

I laughed bitterly. "Because God is an asshole, who wants to hurt you, and everyone around you horribly."

"Maybe this is my fate."

I shook my head. "No, this isn't your fate. You're not supposed to go now. You have to get married. And have babies."

"Dee..." Adam reached up and stroked my cheek. "When I found out I was sick, I had to accept that I probably wouldn't have kids, or score a goal in an NHL Championship game. I've accepted it."

"I can't imagine living the rest of my life without you."

"And I can't imagine living the rest of **my **life without **you**."

"This is all so far-fetched. Like some sort of episode on ER."

Adam sighed, a deep hollow sound. "This is all too real, Dakota."

"I don't want it to be. I want to wake up. I want to go back in time."

"I want that everyday I wake up and have to take 40 pills. I want that every time I get dizzy from the chemo. I want that every time I remember I'm not like everyone else, that I have limits, and pushing them could kill me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't you think I wanted to do things with my life? I wanted to play hockey forever, I wanted to be recognised like the way Wayne Gretzky is. I wanted to get married and have kids! I wanted to be able to walk my daughter down the aisle and take my son to soccer practice! I wanted to drive and SUV and pick up my kids from school! I wanted to come home and surprise my wife with flowers and a romantic dinner! I want to live, Dakota!"

I lowered my head and began to cry, the sobs ripping through me. "I'm so sosososososo sorry."

"I don't need you to be sorry," Adam said softly. "I need you to be here for me."

"I am."

"Come here," Adam beckoned, holding open his arms.

I got up and crawled onto his bed, laying next to him and letting him hold me against his body.

"I love you," he whispered into my hair.

"I love you."

I'd never meant that so much in my life.


	8. Part Six: Wild Horses Couldn't Drag Me A...

"Hey there."

"Hey Connie," I greeted, draining the disposable coffee cup I held in my hand and threw it into the trashcan beside me.

"How are you holding up?" she asked, and fell into step with me as we entered the hospital, a big bunch of roses clutched in her hands.

"I'm ok."

"Are you lying?"

I nodded. "I'm trying to be ok."

We stopped at the elevators and I pressed up.

"Did they move him?"

I nodded. "Up to the cancer ward."

Connie shuddered involuntarily as the rickety carriage stopped and the doors slid open.

"It's so weird to see him in there. He seems to be doing better." We climbed in and rode the four floors up.

"How's he doing? Really?"

I shrugged. "He looks a lot better the ceftriaxone they have him on is keeping him comfortable, while the zithromaz and the anaprox is fighting the cancer from the inside."

Connie nodded at the elevator came to a stop and we stepped out onto the fourth floor. "I just can't believe this is all happening."

"You and me both."

As we walked down the hall, the dread that I felt every time I walked these halls took over me. It started as butterflies in my stomach, but progressed to shaky hands, sweaty palms and dry mouth.

"Ok," Connie said as we stopped outside the closed door to 4A.

"I can't go in there."

She looked at me. "Dakota, are you ok?"

I grabbed her arm. "Connie. It's so hard...I can't go in there..."

"Ok," she said, putting her arm around my waist and lead me away from the room. "We'll go sit in the cafeteria for a while." She led me down the other end of the hall where a small dining room was situated.

She sat me down at a table and sat down across from me.

"I'm sorry," I murmured softly, looking down at the chipped Formica table.

She reached across and patted my hand, her cold silver rings brushing over my knuckles. "Don't be sorry, Dee."

I took a shaky breath. "This is all so hard...I love him, Connie."

"I know you do."

I looked up at her and smiled. "Remember the first game you guys ever played as the varsity team at Eden Hall?"

Connie nodded. "After playing at the Goodwill Games, we thought we could play anywhere, but gearing up for that game was the scariest."

"Adam came up to me before the game and told me say a prayer for him." I took a deep breath. "I told him I wouldn't, that he didn't need it. So I didn't say a prayer, none at all. And after the game he came up and asked if I said one. When I said no, he smiled and told me I was his prayer." Tears rolled down on my cheeks, landing on the cracked table ceremoniously.

"Oh Dakota," Connie breathed, getting up and moving to the chair next to me to throw her arms around my shoulders.

"I just can't do this Connie. I can't accept that he's going to be gone, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and he's going to die!" I buried my face in her shoulder and sobbed, my shoulders shaking with raw emotion, my throat hoarse.

"Shh," Connie soothed, smoothing my hair. "Just let it out, Dee."

I cried until I couldn't cry anymore. "I'm sorry," I apologized again, lifting my head from Connie's shoulder.

She shook her head. "Say that once more I'll take you down.

I smiled a watery smile. Scary thing is, she probably could. "I want to see him."

"Make up your mind," she joked.

I sighed. "I know. It's hard. Do I really want to see him?"

"Dakota, only you know that."

"You go ahead," I told her. "I just want to sit here alone for a bit."

She nodded and got up and fetched her flowers and left the dining room.

I sat in the cafeteria alone, silent. I just wanted to feel normal. I wanted to be surrounded by normal. Even though that was practically impossible sitting in a cancer ward cafeteria.

"This seat taken?"

I looked up to where the deep voice had come from and smiled, a genuine smile.

"Jesse Hall," I greeted, and gestured to the chair opposite me.

He sat down. "Dakota Reed. Or should I say **Dr **Dakota Reed."

I shrugged. "You can call me that if you want."

He smirked and lifted his close fist. I bumped it back with mine. Jesse bought out the ghetto in me.

"What are you doing with yourself?" I asked him, resting my chin on my palm.

He shrugged. "This, that and the other. Working my ass off to pay for college."

"Haven't you graduated?"

Jesse nodded. "Yes, Dr Dee. But the bills don't disappear just because I got a degree. In fact, I think they multiple."

I smiled. "You're getting lots of work at the garage aren't you?"

"Yeah. I start my job with Wallace and Webster next month."

"Good for you," I told him. "Jesse Hall, lawyer extraordinaire. How's Terry doing?"

"Not quite extraordinaire," he amended with a laugh. "And Terry's doing great. Second year at NYU, doing graphic design. I swear, that kid was born with a computer attached to his hands."

I gave a small smile and ran my finger along a long crack on the table.

"Question?" Jesse asked.

I nodded.

I'd known Jesse for as long as I'd known most of the other Ducks, except I'd always had a connection with him, he was a great friend.

"How is he, really?"

"He's ok," I answered with a sigh.

Jesse gave me a wry look. "So that's why you're sitting all alone in the cafeteria, looking like you're going to cry?"

"Pretty much."

He rolled his eyes. "You pathetic, girl." He stood up and reached out his hand, which I took gratefully, and let him pull me up.

I wrapped my arm around his waist as we walked slowly down the hall towards Adam's room.

"You ok?"

I nodded. "You ok?"

Jesse smiled. "As long as you're ok."

I gave Jesse an impulsive hug. "Let's go."

I pushed the door to 4A open and put on a brave face.

"Hey you," I said to Adam, adrenaline running through my veins. "Look at what I found wandering the halls."

Jesse stepped into the room and Adam smiled.

"Hey cake eater," Jesse greeted, walking over to the bed to lean down and hug Adam.

"Hey," Adam returned with a smile, looking noticeably less pale than the day before. "I was just talking to Connie about you."

"Nothing bad I hope," Jesse said as he gave Connie a hug and sank down into the orange plastic chair beside her.

I stood at the edge of the private room, my eyes scanning it.

Adam had been moved upstairs just that morning, to a private, much nicer room. The walls were painted a pale blue, and there were framed photographs on the wall of sunsets and the ocean.

The room had it's own bathroom and kitchenette.

"Dakota?"

I looked up at Adam. "Yeah?"

"Come sit." He gestured to the chair on the opposite side of his bed to Jesse and Connie.

I moved over and sat down, inching my chair forward so I could hold Adam's hand.

"I was telling Dee how Terry is doing graphic design..." Jesse said to Connie, but I tuned out.

"How are you feeling?" I asked Adam, running my thumb absently over the back of his hand.

"Good, actually. I feel a lot stronger today. I even got to get out of bed to shower before."

I smiled. "Good to hear. I was talking to Dr. Marks, the resident in chief this morning, and if he said if all goes well, you'll be able to go home with a private nurse."

"That'd be nice," Adam said softly. "I just want to be back in my own bed."

I reached up and brushed his newly washed hair out of his face. "You're doing good, Ads."

"Because you're here."

"Good morning!" Fulton boomed as he entered the suite, followed by Charlie, Averman, Goldberg and Portman.

"Hi," Connie greeted and accepted a hug from Charlie before he sat down.

I stood up and pushed my chair towards Fulton. He gave me a curious look but took the chair and sat down, and I inched my way out of the room.

I found a bench in the hallway and sank down gratefully, glad to be out of the room. I didn't know how they could all be so happy when Adam was dying.

I put my head in my hands and pushed my hair out of my face and tried to breathe calmly. It felt like my throat was closing up, that I was dying with him. Because I knew, deep in my heart, that when dies, I'd die to.

"Hello Dakota."

I looked up at Melanie Banks and offered a smile. She sat down next to me.

"How are you doing, dear?"

Mrs. Banks has called me 'dear' for as long as I can remember.

"I'm not good," I answered truthfully. If there was anyone who could possibly understand my pain, it was Adam's mom.

She wrapped a comforting arm around my shoulder. "I'm sorry, dear."

"You shouldn't be sorry," I told her. "**I **should be. This isn't affecting me as much as it is you, I'd assume."

"I'm losing a son," she said softly. "But I've been losing him for the last two years. You've been losing him for the past two days."

I bit my quivering lip. "I'm sorry," I whispered. "I just don't want to believe he's leaving."

Mrs. Banks squeezed my shoulder. "I just spoke to Dr. Marks. We're taking Adam home this afternoon. After his chemo session."

I smiled. "That's so good. I'm glad he gets to go home."

She nodded. "Yes, it'll be much more comfortable for all of us, I'd imagine."

We sat in silence, watching the nurses and orderlies rush up and down the halls, consumed in our own thoughts.

"Mrs. Banks? What does it feel like? To lose a son?"

She drew in a shaky breath, which was the closest thing I'd ever seen to Melanie Banks falling apart. "It feels like a dream, a practical joke. Like it's not real. In some ways, it feels like he's already gone. But I hold onto the hope that the chemo will work. That's all I have left."

It was my turn to wrap an arm around her waist. "I'm so sorry."

She smiled and shook her head. "I'd always hoped you'd be my daughter-in-law someday."

"I'd always hoped that too. But I guess I can marry Daniel if you want me to."

Mrs. Banks laughed, a hollow sound, but a laugh nonetheless. "I wouldn't subject you to that, sweetheart."

"I think I'm gonna go home," I told her softly. "I need to sleep."

She nodded and stood up. "Good idea. You get some rest. Come by the house this afternoon if you feel up to it."

I nodded and was taken aback when Mrs. Banks reached out and pulled me into a hug.

"Take care of yourself," I whispered in her ear and let go. "Tell Adam I said goodbye."

I walked away from Mrs. Banks and waited at the elevators, thoughts whirring around in my head.

I sighed and collapsed down on my bed, burying my face in my pillows. I hugged my favourite pillow to my chest and stared out my window. The same window Adam had climbed through countless times before.

But it was different now. I knew Adam wouldn't be climbing back through my window ever again.

I rolled onto my back and looked up at my ceiling, trying to decipher the jumble of thoughts in my mind. But it was useless, I couldn't form a single thought, my mind was compacted with images of Adam.

Adam at the Goodwill Games, Adam at his 13th birthday party, Adam's expression when Charlie, Fulton, Portman, Connie, Guy and I got caught TP-ing the bronze statue at Eden Hall, the way Adam looked at the senior prom, like a prince. All I could think of was Adam.

The way his hair hung in his face after a shower, the way he frowned when he was concentrating really hard, his smile, his eyes, his heart. The way he used to know everything, so if I ever needed help with my physics homework, he'd know how to help.

Adam was an institution in my world, he was my reason for living some days. And other days, he was my reason for wanting to die. He made me feel good just by the way he'd look at me. And in those looks, I'd see our future. But now when he looks at me, I see everything I could possibly miss. Our wedding, and our two kids, and our house on Lake Minnetonka. I see a void, an uncertainty.

My heart was slowly breaking, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.


	9. Part Seven: With Or Without You

"Feel like a visitor?" I asked softly as I entered Adam's lavish bedroom at his father's home.

Adam smiled from his double bed, surrounded by machines and tubes. "Of course."

I smiled and sat down beside him, careful not to sit on anything important. I leant over and kissed his lips softly. "How does it feel to be home?"

"Good." He reached for my hand and held it. "It feels better now you're here."

I looked at the machine next to Adam's side. "Do you know what any of this is?"

He nodded. "I've been so bored I actually started **listening **to the doctors when they were talking to me."

I laughed. "Ok smart guy. What's it for?"

Adam shifted and pointed to the screen. "This is to monitor my vitals. This is respiratory rate, pulse oximetry, heart rate. And this one is blood pressure. Diastolic and systolic."

"Not bad, smarty pants," I told him, getting comfortable next to him.

"I have a lot of spare time on my hands."

"How was the chemo?"

He shrugged. "Not great, but not bad. The doctors seem to think that if anything is going to work, it's going to be the chemo."

"Adam, do you think you can make it through this?"

He paused. "Yes. I do. It's a thin hope, but it's all I have."

I broke his gaze and looked around his room. I'd spent so many good times in this room, there were years of memories encapsulated in the walls. There were photos hanging from the walls, a blown up portrait of Adam and I from our senior prom, smiling happily.

"Penny for your thoughts."

"I was just thinking about all the time we'd spent here together."

Adam smiled. "Remember 3 weeks before graduation?"

I laughed. "How could I forget?"

"_Adam, I'm disappointed that you'd be so frivolous."_

_My face burned and I hung my head._

"_And Dakota. I understand you're teenagers, but what about the sacred bounds of marriage? Your virginity is a gift you give to your husband or wife."_

_I couldn't look Mr. Banks in the eye. "I'm sorry, sir."_

_I didn't really understand what all the fuss was about. Adam and I loved each other, so we made love. What was so wrong about that?_

"_Adam, your room, now please."_

_Adam squeezed my hand under the ornate dining room table and left the room. _

"_Dakota, you can go home."_

_I nodded and excused myself quietly, leaving the house quickly. I walked down the front walk until the front door was closed before darting to the left and rounding the house. _

"_Psst!" I hissed up at Adam's open window. _

_He stuck his head out. "Get up here."_

_I grinned and began to climb the drainpipe, careful not to snag my dress. _

"_Hey there," I greeted as I stepped into Adam's room. _

_He crossed the room to his doors and flipped the lock into place before coming back to me and wrapping his arms around my waist. _

_I kissed him hard on the lips, the lecture we'd just received slipping out of my head as Adam lifted my dress up over my head..._

"I'm going to miss you."

Adam stroked my face. "Don't talk like that. We'll always be together. In here." He pointed to my chest. "And if we're lucky enough, I'll make it through this. I did when I was first diagnosed."

"Marry me."

Adam frowned. "I beg your pardon?"

I clasped his hand between mine. "Adam, marry me."

He frowned again. "Have you been watching _A Walk To Remember_?"

"I'm serious," I told him, my eyes pleading with his. "Marry me, and then we'll always be together."

"Dakota, I can't have you do that. You can't marry me when I'm so sick..."

"I don't want to be with anyone else."

Adam sighed. "Maybe not now, but in 10 years, who knows?"

Tears built up behind my eyes. "Adam Banks. I've known you for 15 years, and for 6 of those years, I've loved you. I will never want anyone else as my husband."

"Dakota, do you know what you're doing? Do you understand I might not be around to give you children, to love you for the rest of your life?"

My bottom lip quivered. "Please..."

He didn't say anything, just stared into my eyes. "Ask me again."

"Adam Banks. Will you marry me?"

He paused. "Yes. I'll marry you."

"Do you know what time it is?"

"Fulton!" I hissed, swatting him with my bag. "You scared the shit outta me!"

He chuckled and flicked on my bedroom light. "So, where were you."

I slid off my shoes. "At Adam's. He got home today."

Fulton nodded. "I know. But why so late?"

I frowned. "Why so interested?"

He shrugged and flopped down onto my bed. "Because I can't sleep and I need something to stimulate me."

"Then why don't you lock yourself in the bathroom with a magazine?"

"Ha ha," Fulton said sarcastically. "Dish."

"What makes you think there's something to dish?" I asked, running my brush through my hair.

"I have a feeling."

I sighed. "Adam and I are engaged."

Fulton's eyes dilated. "Whoa...are you sure that's a good idea?"

I frowned. "What are you talking about? I love him, he loves me."

"Dakota...Adam's got cancer."

"Geez, thanks Mr. Reality. It's not like I've forgotten."

"Dee..."

"If you're gonna tell me it's a bad idea, or you think it's stupid, I don't want to hear it, Fulton."

He shrugged and got up off my bed. "I just want you to be happy."

"How do you feel?"

Adam smiled and squeezed my hand as we walked through the mall. "Good. But for a while there, I didn't think mom would let me out of the house."

I smiled. "I'm glad you feel ok today to be able to shop with me."

"It's our wedding. Even if I was unconscious I'd be shopping with you today."

I dodged a woman with a pram as we stopped at a bench. "All we have to do is double check the flower order," I told Adam as he sat down. "And they're we're all set for the wedding on the weekend."

He smiled up at me. "How did I get so lucky?"

I sat down beside him. "I was thinking the same thing."

He leaned over and brushed his lips lightly against mine. "I love you more than life."

"Hey, me too," I told him, squeezing his hand.

"I'm sorry this has been such a crazy week," Adam said, pushing a stray hair out of my eye.

"I understand," I told him. "At least the chemo seems to be working."

Adam nodded. "I feel drowsy, but that's expected."

I looked around me at all the people shopping crazily, and wondered how I got to be here. Three weeks ago I got home from college, and now I was engaged, planning my wedding, dealing with my fiancé's cancer and trying to stay sane.

It seemed unreal.

The man I was marrying might die soon.

"Hey you two!"

I forced my thoughts out of my head and smiled up at Charlie and Averman.

"Hey," Adam greeted.

"You're lookin' healthy," Charlie commented to Adam, who nodded.

"And you look lovely," Averman told me, holding out a hand for me to take so I could stand.

I did so. "Thank you Mr. Averman."

He bowed. "You're most welcome, soon to be Mrs. Banks."

I smiled and watched as Adam stood, and began to sway.

"Whoa, watch out buddy," Charlie said, reaching out for Adam and steadied him.

"Dizzy spell. Damn chemo," Adam muttered and got his balance. He smiled at me. "I'm fine."

I narrowed my eyes. "If you say so."

He smiled and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me to his chest. I lay my head against him and listened to the rhythmic beating of his heart.

"Ok, it's great and all you're back together, but you're verging on sickening," Averman commented and I reluctantly let go of Adam.

Charlie wrapped an arm around Adam's shoulder and walked away with him.

"How are you doing?" Averman asked me as we sat down on the bench.

I smiled. "Good. Every day's a new day."

He nodded. "And Adam? How's he going?"

"Good. The chemo is knocking him about, but he's able to get out of bed everyday."

"You know Dakota, if there's anything I can do for you, you know, if you're too busy, just let me know."

I looked over at Adam and Charlie, talking amongst themselves in front of Dunkin' Donuts and I smiled. "I think we're gonna be ok."

"Are you scared?"

I looked at Connie and nodded. "I'm scared that he won't be with me for very long."

She nodded and smoothed her hands down over the soft fabric of the pale green bridesmaid dress I'd chosen. "What about the wedding?"

I shook my head. "I can't wait. I just want to be married."

I looked at myself critically in the full-length mirror set up in the Banks' conference room, turned dressing room for the dress rehearsals.

"Do I look ok?" I asked Connie, brushing a piece of lint from my simple dress.

"Ok?" Connie echoed. "You look like royalty."

I smiled. "I hope Adam likes it."

"Only a day away."

I drew in a shaky breath. "Am I doing the right thing? I mean, what if I lose him next week?"

Connie took my hand. "Even if Adam passes away, you'll never lose him, Dakota."

"I'm so scared that I will..."

Connie pulled me into a hug. "You could never lose him. He wouldn't let that happen."

I took a deep breath and let her go. "You're right."

"Of course I am," she smiled. "And now that we've determined we both look incredibly beautiful, we should get you home and into bed for a full night's rest before the big day tomorrow."

I smiled. "Thank you. For everything."

"You never have to thank me Dakota."


	10. Part Eight: Oh My Love, My Darlin'

"I don't think you've ever looked more beautiful."

I looked at Fulton in my mirror and turned around slowly. "The dress ok?"

Fulton's eyes scanned the dress. "Perfect."

I adjusted the thin straps on my dress and made sure it wasn't snagged on anything. I looked Fulton over.

He looked perfect in his tuxedo, the pale green tie matching perfectly with the orchid tucked into his lapel.

"Thanks for being my maid of honor," I told him, picking up my veil.

"We seriously need to re-think that title. How about just best man?"

I smiled as Fulton took my veil from my hands and motioned for me to face the mirror. "I think that can be arranged."

He tucked the veil into my hair, which cascaded down my back in ringlets. "There."

"Thanks Fulton."

He pulled me into a hug. "I admire you, Dakota. I admire that you love him so much you want to be his wife even if it's not for a lifetime."

I could feel the tears building up. "Don't make me cry."

He smiled. "I love you, sister. Even if you're married, even if you're not on the other side of the bathroom. I love you."

"I love you too, Fulton."

He leant over and placed a soft kiss on my cheek. "We should go. We don't wanna keep the groom waiting."

At the mention of Adam, my stomach began to churn, and I clutched Fulton's sleeve and let him lead me out of my room and downstairs where our parents and Connie waited.

"Oh Dakota..." my mother breathed, wiping at the corners of her eyes with a handkerchief.

"You look like a princess," my dad told me. "We should get going."

I took a hold of Dad's arm and let him lead me out into the perfect Minnesota day. The sun was shining and all you could see was blue sky for miles.

I slid into the limousine and waited for my family.

"Anyone know anything about Adam I should know before marrying him?" I asked.

Connie smiled and squeezed my hand. "I don't think anyone knows anything about Adam you already don't know."

I played absently with my engagement ring that Adam had surprised me with just four days before. I twirled it around my finger nervously, my gaze focused on the passing scenery.

We passed Minneapolis Elementary School and the tree where Jesse and Adam got in a fight. We passed Eden Hall and the patch of grass Adam and I had shared our first kiss. We passed Goldberg's Delicatessen, where Fulton and I hung out everyday after school, where I first met Adam.

We stopped at a stoplight outside of the Youth Hall, where Adam had his 16th birthday party, and the same place that he hit Charlie after Charlie shot his mouth off about anything and everything.

A smile played on my lips as we passed the old drive-in, the site of many of Adam's and my dates.

"We're here, sweetheart."

I looked out of the window on the other side of the car to see the limo had pulled up outside of the Minnesota Country Club.

I exhaled loudly as the door was opened for me. I got out and clutched Dad's arm for support as we started toward the front door.

"Wow, the decorators did an amazing job," Connie commented as she got a look at the garden through the glass doors.

My heart began to beat faster as I located the courtyard, and saw Adam standing at the altar, his hands clenched together anxiously. Even from 100 meters away, I could tell he was nervous.

"Want me to go tell everyone we're ready?" Fulton asked and I nodded absently.

My eyes were stuck on Adam, Charlie at his side. Charlie leant over and said something in Adam's ear, and he smiled.

I vaguely heard the music begin and Fulton and Connie walked down the flower-laden aisle.

My eyes connected with Adam's as my Dad and I began the walk down the paved path towards my destiny.

"We have now come to the part where we will hand over to the bride and groom, who have prepared special vows for each other."

The priest gestured to Adam who pulled a folded up piece of paper out of his pocket.

He cleared his throat. "I don't remember when it was when we fell in love. Was it when we were 15, or 14, or maybe even 10? I don't know cause the truth is I can't picture a time that I wasn't in love with you. I always knew you were the one that could look into my eyes and see my soul." He paused and looked at me. "You stood by me through everything that made me sad, and through everything I found hard, so I know there's nothing we can't work through. We may have tough times ahead, but I believe in my heart of hearts when you receive a miracle like the love of an amazing woman, there's nothing you can't conquer. In honor of that miracle, I pledge before our family and friends to love and cherish you forever."

Adam took a deep breath and folded the paper back up and put it in his pocket.

Behind my veil tears were forming in the corners of my eyes as Connie handed me my own piece of paper. "I look at you and I see my best friend. Your energy and your passion inspire me in ways I never thought possible. Your inner beauty, so strong, that I no longer fear being myself. I no longer fear at all. I never thought that I could find someone that I could love that would love me back unconditionally. Then I realize that although we were apart for some time, you were always with me, and you were my soul mate. You give me purpose when I feel I have none. Without you my soul would be empty, my heart broken, my being incomplete. I thank God everyday that you were brought into my life, and I thank you for loving me."

A lone tear slid down Adam's cheek, and I reached over and swiped it off his cheek. "I love you," I whispered.

"I love you," he whispered back and took my hand in his.

"Now the exchange of rings. Adam, if you'll recite the vows you've remembered."

Adam nodded and accepted my wedding ring from Charlie. "I, Adam David, take you Dakota Emily, to be my wife, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow and forever. I will trust you and honor you, I will laugh with you and cry with you, I will love you faithfully. Through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. What may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold, so I give you my life to keep."

He slid the platinum band onto my finger, and my eyes widened as the diamonds lined up along the band shone.

I bit my lip as Connie handed me the platinum band I'd chosen for Adam. "I, Dakota Emily, take you Adam David to be my husband, my partner in life and my one true love. I will cherish our friendship and love you today, tomorrow and forever. I will trust you and honor you, I will laugh with you and cry with you, I will love you faithfully. Through the best and the worst, through the difficult and the easy. What may come I will always be there. As I have given you my hand to hold, so I give you my life to keep."

The priest cleared his throat. "In as much as you have pledged to the other your lifelong commitment, love and devotion, I now pronounce you husband and wife, in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Adam, you may kiss your bride."

Adam lifted my veil off and brought me into his arms gently, and pressed his lips to mine in the most breathtaking kiss I'd ever received.

"May I present to you Mr. Adam David and Mrs. Dakota Emily Banks!"

Our kiss ended and I could feel tears slide down my face as Adam took my arm and we walked back up the aisle through our friends and family.

I looked over at him and smiled. "Adam!"

He looked over at me. "Yeah?"

"I love you."

"May I have your attention?"

The reception hall quietened down as Charlie tapped his champagne glass with a fork.

"Now, this is the slightly boring, slightly embarrassing part of the night when Adam and Dakota's nearest and dearest get up here and tell tasty anecdotes from their childhoods."

People applauded.

"So, I'd first of all like to call the bride's twin brother to the microphone, he's bound to have something juicy. Fulton."

Fulton got up from beside me and kissed my hair.

I knew what that meant. That was an 'I'm sorry for what I'm about to do.'

Fulton cleared his throat and took the microphone from Charlie. "I've known Dakota since we were both zygotes in mom's stomach, so I know her pretty well."

A very drunk Kenny clapped enthusiastically.

"I remember when we were 8, Dakota insisted that she was going to marry Mickey Mouse. And looks like little Dakota got her wish."

Adam flipped Fulton off and the room dissolved into giggles.

"I know that if I go and tell you about the time she got locked in our conjoined bathroom after a perilous night of drinking, she'll kill me, so I better change the direction." Fulton paused. "My sister is the most amazing person I've ever known. She's smart, she's beautiful, funny, dorky, caring and most of all, she's my best friend. I just want to propose a toast to Dakota, and her husband. I wish you both a life full of love. Because you both deserve it."

I took a sip of my champagne, and Adam squeezed my hand under the table.

I listened to the rest of the speeches, only half hearing them. I watched Adam instead.

He laughed at the jokes Charlie told, and he nodded at the tale Jesse told, and he blushed when his mom got up and praised him.

I leant over and impulsively kissed his cheek. My husband's cheek.

He smiled at me, and in his eyes I saw everything. Everything I thought I'd lost when I found out he was sick. I saw our kids, our house, our future.

"What?" he asked.

"Nothing," I told him softly. "I just love you."

"And I you."

"Now, I believe, it's time for the couple's first dance as husband and wife."

Adam stood and held out a hand for me, which I accepted and let him lead me towards the dance floor.

A slow ballad started and we began to move to the music, my head resting against Adam's chest, his head on my shoulder.

"I say we bail out of here soon," he whispered. "Because as much as I love this dress, it would look better on the floor."

"I think that was the corniest thing I've ever heard."

Adam laughed. "Hey, it's worth a try."

"Can you believe we're married?"

Adam kissed my hair. "No, I can't. I can't believe I get to hold you in my arms every night."

"How are you feeling?"

"On top of the world. It just sucks we don't get a honeymoon."

I kissed his neck. "It's for the best. We can take a trip anytime once we're sure you're getting better."

"I guess so...But tell me, what's this about you getting stuck in your bathroom?"

I swatted his back. "That's a story for another time."

I yawned loudly and rolled over. "Are you sure you're sick?" I asked Adam, wrapping my arm around his torso. "Because that display of calisthenics was not that of a sick man."

Adam smiled. "Glad to hear you appreciate."

I cuddled into Adam's side in his big queen sized bed. Spending our first night as man and wife as his dad's house was not how I imagined it, but at least Mr. Banks had the courtesy to stay somewhere else.

"Tell me something."

"You're an amazing lover."

I laughed. "I won't contend with that."

Adam's lips grazed my forehead. "Dakota, I just want to thank you for everything. For helping me, because I probably wouldn't have made it this far without you."

"Shush you," I told him. "No need to talk like that."

He smiled. "Ok Mrs. Banks."

"Ok Mr. Banks."


	11. Part Nine: In The Arms Of The Angel

"How is married life treating you?"

I grinned at Connie. "Amazingly. It's like being given a gift everyday."

"That's it. I'm talking to Guy."

I laughed. "I recommend it, definitely."

Connie smiled. "I'm so happy for you."

She handed me a bottle of water from the cooler beside her. It was a hot day, so Charlie, Averman, Fulton, Portman, Connie, Guy, Adam and I had retreated to the local playing field where the guys were currently debating loudly, what game they would play.

"No! Football!" Portman was shouting.

"Volleyball!" Guy retorted.

"I don't care!" Adam declared. "I'll just be umpire!"

"No! You need to play! Otherwise it won't be equal!" Charlie told Adam.

"How about we pick a goddamn game then?" Adam demanded.

"Well this dick wants to play volleyball!" Portman shouted.

I rolled my eyes and Connie laughed.

"So have you got your own place yet?"

"Not exactly," I told her. "We started looking last week, and I've fallen in love with one place, but you know Adam..."

"Let me guess, he wants the whole history of the house? Make sure it's foundation is sound and all that crap?"

"You got it."

Connie laughed. "Well, at least you know it's gonna be ok."

"Yes, because Mr. Banks the building inspector is on the job."

"And how is he going with chemo?"

"Good, he had a session yesterday, and it makes him really tired. But he's getting more and more energetic as the days go by." I took a sip of water.

"Oh, energetic, huh?"

I rolled my eyes. "Funny."

"Are you working today?"

I nodded. "Unfortunately. I should head off, actually."

I got up and grabbed my bag with my work stuff in it.

"You off baby?" Adam asked, jogging over.

"Yeah, I better get to the hospital before they page me."

He gave me a kiss. "Have a good shift."

"Thanks. Be good, don't overdo it, ok?"

Adam nodded. "I'll be good. See you at home."

I nodded and waved to Connie and headed for the parking lot.

"Hello Dr. Banks."

"I will never get tired of hearing that," I told Naomi as I clipped my id badge onto the neckline of my scrubs.

"Reed!"

I turned around at the mention of my maiden name and greeted Dr. Marks with a smile. "Afternoon."

"You too," he said. "And I hear congratulations are in order."

"Thank you," I told him, and Naomi grabbed my left hand over the counter.

"Check this baby out," she commented, holding my hand out for Dr. Marks.

"Very nice. So what do we call you now?"

"Banks." I smiled. "Dr. Banks."

Dr. Marks smiled. "Ok Dr. Banks. You've hit the jackpot, you get to review charts and sign-off."

"Gee, thanks," I joked and rounded the counter to take a seat next to Naomi.

Dr. Marks dropped a pile of charts in front of me. "Page me if you need me."

I nodded and grabbed the first one.

"How does it feel?"

"Marvelous."

"Oh Scout, I'm so happy for you."

I grinned. "Thanks Naomi."

I got to work on my charts, signing my new name, and reading endless pages of medical jargon.

"This stuff hurts my brain."

"Take a break then sweetie," Naomi told me. "You've been at that for 2 hours now."

"2 hours? God, time flies."

I stood up and cracked my back. "I can hear the coffee machine calling my name."

"Go," Naomi told me. "Consider it my wedding present."

I laughed. "You're too generous."

She shoved me out from behind the bench. "I'll cover for you Scout."

I smiled and walked down the hall to the lunchroom and twisted my torso until some of the stiffness tapered.

I grabbed a cup of coffee and my discman from my locker. I sat down at the coffee table and let the relaxing sounds of Jack Johnson flow through my veins.

I hummed along to _Taylor, _and tapped my fingers on the table. There was something about music that always calmed me down.

"Scout!"

I sat bolt upright and pulled my headphones off. "You scared me!"

She shot me an apologetic smile. "We just got busy. Think you can cut your break short?"

I nodded and gulped down the rest of my coffee and shoved my cd player back into my locker and fetched a lab coat, shrugging it on as I followed Naomi back out into the hall.

"Dr. Wheeler has a pulmonary edema in trauma 1 and she needs your help."

I nodded and started at a slow jog down the busy halls of the emergency room.

"What's up?" I asked Dr. Wheeler as a nurse held out a sterile apron for me to slip my arms into.

"Pulmonary edema and malignant ventricular ectopy." Dr. Wheeler had her hands inside a young man's chest, furiously massaging his heart.

"Pulse is seventy-eight percent." A nurse announced.

"550 of Anaprox," I requested, and a nurse placed a syringe in my hand.

"Dakota!"

I whirled around at Naomi's voice.

"We need you! 26-year-old male. Multiple trauma, hypotensive, BP 90 over 60, heart rate 120. Patient is diaphoretic."

I stripped off my apron and shoved it into a bin and followed Naomi back down the hall, where I accepted yet another apron and a pair of gloves.

"What's the pulse?" I demanded of Naomi.

"Pulse is 150."

I nodded as three paramedics wheeled in a gurney from the emergency bay.

"His systolic blood pressure is down," a paramedic informed me.

"Ok, lets get him on Bolus 5000 heparin, at 1000 an hour."

They pushed the gurney up the hall into trauma 3, and instantly, nurses flocked to the young man's side.

"What happened?" Dr. Taylor demanded as he entered the room.

"Collapsed with his friends. He's a cancer sufferer. Hodgkin's disease."

I froze as I heard the paramedic speak, and I approached the bed fearfully.

"Oh no...not Adam."

With that, I passed out.

"Scout. Sweetie, can you hear me?"

I groaned and rolled my head to the side and allowed my eyes to open slightly. "What's going on?" I asked groggily.

"You passed out, sweetie," Naomi told me, placing a cold cloth on my forehead.

"What? Why?" I demanded.

Then it hit me.

Adam, lying on the gurney, his eyes closed and his skin pasty.

"Oh God...Adam..."

"Shh, he's ok, Scout."

"What happened to him?" I asked, struggling into a sitting position.

"Your brother is here, I'll let him talk to you."

"Hey Dee."

"Fulton, what happened?" I asked, reaching out for him.

Fulton sat down beside me. "We were just talking after you left, and he said he didn't feel good, and started walking back towards Connie to sit down and he just...passed out."

"God...But he was fine..." I cried, tears rolling down on my cheeks. "What are the doctors doing for him?"

"His heart wasn't beating right, so they had to open him up. But he's fine, Dakota."

"Someone is not fine when doctors have to open them up!" I cried.

Fulton pulled me into his arms. "Dakota, shh. He's going to be fine."

"Why did this happen? I should've **known **that he wasn't ok. I should've **known**."

"How were you supposed to know?" Fulton asked.

"I'm a doctor, Fulton. It's my job."

"You're an emergency room doctor, not a cancer specialist."

"But I'm his wife, I should know when something isn't right," I let out a sob. "I need to see him."

Fulton nodded and helped me up. "He's next door. When you passed out, they bought you in here and put Adam in next door."

I nodded and let him lead me out into the hall and then one door along.

I pushed open the door and greeted Mr. and Mrs. Banks with a watery smile.

"I'm so sorry," I told them softly.

Melanie hugged me. "You had no way of knowing this would happen, Dakota."

I took a deep breath and let her go, and took a seat next to Adam.

"They're doing a lot of the same tests again," Mr. Banks explained. "To see what caused this."

I nodded and took my husband's hand. His face was pale, and he wasn't wearing a shirt, just had a gauze square on his chest and a bandage wrapped around his torso.

I reached out and ran my fingers over the gauze. I could only faintly feel Adam's heart beating.

"This is a nightmare," Melanie whispered.

I laid my head down on Adam's bed, my tears staining the bed sheets. "I'm sorry," I whispered into his side. "I failed you, Adam."

Mr. and Mrs. Banks filed out of the room and left me alone to cry.

"Dakota, wake up."

I opened my eyes and squinted. "Huh?" I demanded, sitting up.

"Hey baby," Adam greeted.

"Adam," I said softly, tears building yet again.

"Dakota," he said softly.

I took in a shaky breath. "I am so sorry for all this..."

He smiled. "What? This isn't your fault."

"Yes it is. I shouldn't have let you play with the guys, I shouldn't have taken you out yesterday, we shouldn't have been having sex...there was so much I could've done to make sure this didn't happen."

Adam pulled me close to him. "Don't talk like that. I don't regret anything we've done together, Dee. You should know that. If you don't, I haven't been a very good husband."

I shook my head. "No, you're perfect."

"I'm just a little weak. I guess I just pushed myself a little too hard."

"You're really ok?"

He reached over and grabbed his chart off the table beside him and handed it to me. "You tell me."

I flipped it open and read through all of the information. "Oh, you had Dr. Marks in the OR, he's good. It says here you had an irregular heart beat and they took some fluid from your spinal cord for tests."

"See," Adam pointed out. "I'm gonna be fine."

"But is this how it's gonna be? You passing out when you push yourself too hard?"

"I don't know," he said softly.

I nodded. "I'm just so scared..."

"I know you are baby," Adam said softly. "I am too."

A knock sounded at the door and Dr. Marks stuck his head in. "Dakota, may I have a word?"

I nodded and got up, but not before placing a soft kiss to Adam's fingertips. "I'll be right back."

I left the room and shut the door behind me, and Dr. Marks led me down the hall where we sat down on one of the benches.

"I just wanted to let you know what happened," Dr. Marks explained. "Adam's heartbeat was irregular, so we opened him up to find out what was causing it. It's alarming that Adam has had such a reaction to starting the chemo again. It's not good he's back in hospital."

I nodded.

"And we took some spinal cord fluid for tests, and some bone marrow, so we won't know anything concrete until we get the results."

"Ok," I told Dr. Marks.

He nodded. "I'm doing all I can, Dakota."

"When can he come home?"

"That's undetermined. It's best to keep in here for a little while, just so we can be sure nothing like this happens again." Dr. Marks stood up.

I followed suite. "Thanks sir. I really appreciate all the help."

He smiled again. "Just take care of him."

I nodded and he walked off, and I made my way back into Adam's room. "Doesn't look good," I said softly, my lower lip trembling.

Adam didn't say anything.

I sat back down in my chair and watched Adam's heart monitor as it dropped a number.

I said a silent prayer and took my husband's hand.

Now all we had to do was wait.


	12. Part Ten: Take The World Upon Your Shoul...

"You're not looking too bad," Fulton said softly.

Adam shrugged. "Liar. I can't believe I've lost my hair so fast."

"I think it's cool," Fulton told him. "Sorta like an Army cut."

I squeezed my husband's hand and he smiled at me.

It had taken a week, but Adam's face finally had the lightest shade of pink back in his cheeks.

"I hate waiting," Mrs. Banks said softly from the couch in Adam's hospital room, where we sat waiting for the test results.

"You and me both," Mr. Banks agreed and gave her a hug.

"We need to do something to pass the time," Fulton suggested.

"It's not as thought we can go see a movie," Adam pointed out, a smile playing on his colourless lips.

Fulton nodded. "Yeah."

Adam shifted. "Um, could you give me some time with Dakota?" he asked softly.

Mrs. Banks nodded and shuffled her ex-husband and Fulton out of the room.

"What's the matter?" I asked Adam, worried.

He sighed. "I'm going to die, Dakota."

I squeezed his hand. "Don't say that."

"We have to face facts. This is bad. And when something's bad with cancer, it can only mean one thing."

"I don't want to talk about this, Adam."

He grabbed my hand. "I'm going to die."

Tears began to roll down my cheeks. "Stop saying that."

He let me go and relaxed back onto his pillows. "Dakota, I'm not going to lie to you. We both knew that this would be a viable possibility."

"I know. But I can't stand thinking about it Adam. Don't make me go through this."

He looked at me, his blue eyes cloudy. "You don't think this is hard for me? I'm DYING, for crying out loud! I can't click my fingers and be fine! I can't make myself well again! Even if I make it through this one, what about the next one and the next one?!"

"Please, stop yelling at me," I pleaded through my sobs.

"Dakota, I don't want to die," Adam said softly. "I don't want to leave you. But the fact is, that this could be it."

I stood up quickly and my chair toppled over. "I know this is hard for you! Maybe I don't know exactly what you're going through, but you don't have to yell at me!" I took a deep breath, my chest heaving. "I want hate myself for loving you so much! I want to hate myself because I let my heart open up to you! And I want to hate you for being so sick!"

Adam looked up at me, his eyes sad. "Then hate me."

"I can't, you idiot!" I shouted. "I love you too much! I love you so much it hurts, and when you say that you're going to die, it's like stabbing me in the heart! Without you, I'm dead! I may as well be in that bed with you!"

I grabbed my bag and jacket.

"Please don't go," Adam pleaded.

"No, I have to go Adam. I can't be here right now."

I stalked out of the room, nearly running into Adam's parents, Fulton and Dr. Marks.

"Dakota!" Fulton called.

I waved him away and threw open the door to the stairs, running the four flights down and out the front door into the hot Minnesota day.

I couldn't deal with reality. I couldn't deal with the fact my husband was dying.

I walked away from the hospital, tears running down my face. I must've looking frightening, with mascara running down my face and my hair wild. But I didn't care. I couldn't care about something as menial as hair care or my appearance when my husband was dying. When my heart was breaking.

I shuffled down Highcrest Avenue, my eyes focused on my shoes as they scuffed along the pavement.

Tears ran down my cheeks and landed on my purple jacket as I walked, my heart breaking with each step.

I was trying to walk away from everything. My heartache and pain, my fears, my insecurities. I was imagining for one minute that Adam was going to live forever, that we'd spend our lives together.

But then the realization hit me that he was right. Even if he did make it through this setback, who's to say he'll make it through the next one?

My thoughts turned miserable as I passed through the center of town, pass the Minneapolis shopping mall. I tried to think of all the good times I'd spent with Adam there. But all I could focus on was his sickness.

I stopped dead in my tracks. I couldn't recall a single memory from before I found out Adam was sick.

I remembered things. I remembered our wedding, and graduation day, and our one-year anniversary, but I couldn't remember how I _felt _at those times. It was almost as if I'd lost the capacity to feel anything but pain.

I began to slowly continue down the street, my mind consumed in depression.

Before I knew it, I was standing outside of my house, looking up at the peeling paint and Dad's attempt at window boxes.

I sighed and let myself in, pleased to see that it was empty.

My footsteps resounded in the vacant house and I shrugged my jacket and shoes off before collapsing on the couch.

I reached over and took the phone off the hook and lay down on the soft brown fabric covering of the living room sofa.

I grabbed the remote from the floor where it lay underneath the coffee table and pointed it at the TV.

But I didn't turn it on. I just lay, staring at the blank screen.

The realization crept over me like a dark fog. Adam was dying. And although I'd known it from the moment I'd found out, I'd suppressed it. I didn't want my ultimate fear to come true. I didn't want to lose something that was so special to me.

"Hey you."

I looked up at Fulton, who I hadn't noticed enter the room.

"Hi," I said softly.

He lifted my legs and sat down beside me. "You ok?"

I sat up. "Peachy."

"I'm here if you wanna talk."

"Tell me something."

Fulton thought for a moment. "Ok, I've got some news."

"Oh?" I asked.

"Connie called my cell phone just before I left the hospital and had something pretty exciting to tell me."

"What's that?"

"Well, she tried calling here first, but couldn't get through, so called me."

"And?" I prompted.

"She's pregnant," Fulton told me.

"Wow," I said softly. "That's so nice."

"Don't sound too excited," he told me.

I felt tears spring to my eyes. "Fulton...my husband is dying. I'm never going to have babies with him."

"Oh Dee, I'm so sorry."

"No, I know you didn't mean to say it like that..." I said, wiping at my eyes.

He pulled me into a hug. "I'm sorry Dakota...for everything."

"Thanks Fulton. I'm gonna go upstairs, I just want to be alone."

I got up and headed upstairs, locking myself in my room.

I lay down on my bed, burying my face in my pillows.

Was I that much of a horrible person that I couldn't be happy for Connie and Guy? Was I that horrible that I didn't want it to happen? Was I so selfish and shallow that I wished it was happening to me?

I started to cry and my body shook slightly as my tears stained my pillow.

Life was unfair.

That was something I'd learnt since I'd gotten back from college. Life was unfair, and cruel and brutal and unreasonable.

I would never have children with my husband.

Cruel.

"Dakota?"

"Dr. Marks?"

"Hello, I didn't wake you, did I?"

"Uh no," I lied, rubbing my eyes, still blurry from the troubled sleep I'd had.

"You ran out of the hospital this afternoon so I didn't get to talk to you."

"Oh, I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be," he told me. "We're all allowed our own pain and suffering."

I nodded, thankful for his understanding. "Did you get the test results back?"

"Yes, I did. But they were inconclusive. We've taken more of Adam's spinal fluid and some blood for tests, so I'm afraid he'll have to stay a further week."

"Ok," I said softly. "Is he ok?"

"He's worried about you," Dr. Marks told me.

I sighed and crossed my legs. "It's just, he's convinced he's going to die...it's like he's given up."

"Dakota, there's something you need to understand. No one can possibly comprehend what Adam is going through, he's dealing with this in his own way, and in his own mind, he's giving up. But with your love, your support, he can make it through this."

I sniffed and wiped my eyes with my sleeve. "Thank you."

"Even though I don't know you very well, you seem to be a very special person, and Adam loves you very much. You're strong and you can pull him through this," Dr. Marks offered.

I drew in a shaky breath. "I don't know if I can. Everything is so overwhelming, it feels like I'm drowning instead of floating, and no matter how hard I try to stay above water, there's something pulling me down."

"I believe in you. All you have to do is believe in yourself."

We hung up and I realized that Dr. Marks was right. I had to be there for Adam, I couldn't make my fears a priority, what he was going through was much worse.

I had to be there for him.

"You awake?"

"I haven't slept a wink since you left this afternoon."

I closed the door to Adam's hospital room behind me and I crept in softly.

I sat down beside him and leant forward on my hands. "I'm so sorry."

He shook his head. "Don't be. I'm sorry. I took out my fears on you, and I shouldn't have."

I could feel my tears building up. "You should share your fears with me, I'm your wife and I want to help you through this part."

Adam took my hand. "I love you more than anything. You are my reason for living, but sometimes...God, sometimes, it's so fucking hard. It's hard to wake up every morning and be attached to three different machines. It's hard to have blood tests everyday and nurses coming in to help me go to the bathroom."

"That's what you should tell me," I told him gently. "So I can help you. That's what I'm here for, Adam. I wish you'd let me help you more."

"I don't want to upset you."

I smiled a watery smile. "As long as you're sick, I'm going to be upset. But at least if you talk to me, I get to be with you."

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

"No." I squeezed his hand. "We both don't have to be sorry. We're scared, but we're strong, and together, we can fight this."

"Dakota...I just wish I could give you the life you want."

"You **are **giving me the life I wanted. Granted, some things are added extras I wouldn't have necessarily chosen, but I look at it differently. What if we came home from college and I never found out you were sick. Would you have just died without ever knowing the love we share now? Or what would've happened if you weren't sick at all? Would we still have gotten married? Would be still be in love?"

"I never looked at it that way," Adam murmured.

I smiled. "This whole situation sucks," I told him. "No doubt about that. But if it weren't for this, we might never have gotten back together. And I think we're a lot stronger for it now."

He nodded. "Thank you for being the strong one."

"We're both the strong one."

"Come here," he beckoned, and opened his arms.

I crawled onto the bed next to him. "We're gonna be ok."

"There's that smile I love to see."

"And there's a bald head I've never seen before," I told Fulton as I hugged him. "What's with the no hair thing?"

"It's for Adam."

I smiled, touched at Fulton's generosity. He'd been growing his hair out for 4 years, and for him to shave his head just to make Adam feel less different was amazing.

"Thank you," I told him and impulsively hugged him again.

"You doing ok?" he asked me.

I nodded. "Yeah, I am."

"Good," he said. "I'm sorry for yesterday, I didn't think before I told you about Connie..."

"Don't be," I told him. "I was just fixated on everything bad that was happening in my life. I'm happy for her and Guy."

"Good," Fulton says. "Because they're parking the car."

As if on cue, the elevator doors slid open and Connie bounded out into the hall, and when she saw me, came running towards me, her arms thrown open.

"Oh Dakota!" she cried and launched herself into my arms. "Are you ok?"

I smiled and let her go. "Fine. How are you?"

She grinned.

"Congratulations," I said softly.

She hugged me again. "Thanks. I was worried about telling you."

"Why?" I asked.

"Because of everything you're going through. I don't think any of us has stopped and tried to understand how hard this must be for you."

"Thank you," I said softly. "But really, good news like this should be shared. I'm really happy for you."

"You'll have it too, you know."

I shrugged. "I always thought it would be with Adam."

"You never know."

I gave her a grateful smile and led them into Adam's room where he was propped up against his pillows.

"Hey!" he greeted. "Congratulations," he said to Guy and Connie.

Fulton entered the room, a hat on his newly shaven head.

"Hey Banks," he greeted Adam, sitting down beside the bed and took his hat off casually.

Adam's mouth dropped open. "Your hair!"

Fulton grinned. "I'm your brother, and brother's look out for each other," he replied simply.

Adam smiled gratefully and reached over to hug Fulton.

The exchange brought tears to my eyes. Never had I ever seen someone be so selfless as to help another person.

As I watched Adam's face light up at the joke Guy was telling, a thought struck me.

That maybe everything would be ok in the end.


	13. Epilogue: Hold On If You Feel Like Letti...

_That's my story. _

_That's what life means to me. It means a never-ending support group of close friends and the love of an amazing man. _

_Looking back, I've achieved a lot. I've lived life to the fullest and I have no regrets. I've been lucky enough to do everything I ever wanted. I'm a doctor, an emergency room physician and the head of staff at Minnesota General Hospital. _

_I got married to the most amazing man on the face of the earth. I have great friends who I love to death, my family is the one single thing that my life revolves around. I have a brother who is constantly there for me, despite having a wife and family of his own. _

_I own my own home, my own car, and make a sizable income. Granted, I do work hard for that income, but every moment is worth it. I help people for a living, I help people like the way people helped me 5 years ago. There is nothing sweeter than walking out of those hospital doors at the end of a double shift knowing that even if I only helped one person, just one person in a world of billions, that I've made a difference in someone else's life. _

_I've traveled. Ok, so not anywhere out of the United States, but I've been here and there and everywhere, and I'm only 30. I'm a Godmother. A sister-in-law, an Aunt. A wife. _

_I've accomplished everything I ever wanted to do. And even some I didn't want to do._

_For the past 3 years, my husband's cancer has been in remission. _

_And writing those words is the sweetest thing._

_I never thought that I would feel such happiness that I felt the day we found out. But ever since then, I've thanked God everyday for letting me keep Adam. And I thank him for our daughter. She's only 4 months old, little Lacey Banks, the most exquisite thing ever. _

_I've traveled far and wide with Adam to discover things about each other I never knew when we were growing up. He's admired by so many people. No matter who I talk to, whether it be someone on Colorado Avalanche, or his family friends, or people who have only ever met him once, they've had nothing but nice things to say. I don't know how I got so lucky as to have him. _

_There were times during my life when I thought there was nothing to live for. That if I lost Adam, I'd lose everything. And while I came quite close to losing him a few times, I realized that I'm strong on my own, and that even if I did lose him, I was one of the luckiest people just to have known him. _

_I guess the whole moral of my story is that you have to believe in yourself. And in the people you love, because you're not alone, no matter how much you think you are. _

_-----_

Note: Yes, this is a repost. I hope you've enjoyed. The reason for the repost is that I didn't post the whole fic last time, and couldn't remember my password is kinda forgetful But I hope that having the whole thing up will entice some Ducks readers. ;)


	14. Soundtrack

**Prologue:** Underneath It All by No Doubt  
**Chapter 1:** Yellow by Coldplay  
**Chapter 2:** Midnight by Elan  
**Chapter 3:** If You're Not The One by Daniel Beddingfield

**Chapter 4:** November Rain by Guns N Roses  
**Chapter 5:** Goodbye To You by Michelle Branch  
**Chapter 6:** Wild Horses by The Sundays

**Chapter 7:** With Or Without You by U2

**Chapter 8:** Unchained Melody by Gareth Gates

**Chapter 9:** Angel by Sarah McLachlan

**Chapter 10:** World Upon Your Shoulders by Silverchair

**Epilogue: **Hold On by Good Charlotte


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